Far too short a time...

It is always amazing to realize how short our time is here. This last week has just reinforced to me how important it is to make each day count. Whether it was from seeing the cherry blossoms disappear far too quickly,talking about college and life after graduation next year with my kids, or finding out a brother in Christ died unexpectedly Tuesday morning; I just keep thinking- Lord, help me make it count.

I can't put all my feelings into words yet regarding the death of someone so special, but a dear friend read a piece of Psalm 90 today and it brought such comfort: "The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away... So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom... Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, and for as many years as we have seen evil." Psalm 90:10-15 (abbreviated)

I was so distracted from the sermon because I just kept hearing these words over and over in my head- how much I want to gain a "heart of wisdom" and "rejoice" in the afflictions of life. I am a little slow, but God just won't stop driving one point home- that I NEED Him. My focus shouldn't even be on His grace, or love or right living- but the whole purpose of this life is to KNOW God. To have a relationship with Him and to keep it all in perspective. It was the best message I have heard in a long time, and maybe it's simply because I was listening. This life is just a blip. I don't want to waste a minute of it.

Thank you, Lord, for your words that bring peace amid grief. Thank you that you want to know us, and once we choose you- our future is secure and we will be "GLAD for as many days" as we have hurt, for "as many years as we have seen evil."

Photos were just a glimpse of what the last couple weeks have been full of- flowers and horses. I realized the other day, as I heard my kiddos sounding WISE and mature for the first time in awhile, how blessed I am to know them. Everyone loves their kids, but I am so glad that I can honestly say I LIKE them. I have been trying to bite my tongue the last few months as I watch them maneuver this life and knowing that they are the ones who will have to live with the choices they make, I am still so happy with the people they are becoming. This week has just reminded me that I can't wait to tell them that. I never know if I will have tomorrow, so I want to be sure the first words they hear from me in the morning and the last ones before they go to bed are "I like you, and I am so proud of you." Not because they do it right all the time, but because they never quit trying. Oh, thank you, Father, for the reminders of what matters.

Back from the dead...with a bit more "Belief".

I love how I can wake up with a plan, a course of action, an agenda for the day- and within hours, everything can change with a single phone call. Even yesterday, I got a text from one of my girls wanting to spend the evening together, and it was such a perfect opportunity to love on her and catch up after Winter Break. It doesn't seem like much, but for the last couple of months I literally have been dreading the phone so this week's awesome phone calls made me jump for joy!
For weeks, every time my cell buzzes, I flinch- just bracing for impact. I keep expecting another call from an angry family member, a frustrated parent, a depressed teen, or even just a reminder that I forgot something I was suppose to do. I know, what a Debbie Downer I am. I keep turning the worries over to the Lord, but then the sad text or call comes in and the anxiety starts all over again.

Well, Thursday changed my mind! I got a message from a friend to call back ASAP, and it was SO GOOD! Let me start at the beginning-
Sunday morning, New Years Day, we got to church early because my boy was playing drums and I always like to sit close if I can and make faces at him. As we were waiting for church to start, an elderly gentleman behind us literally stopped breathing, and didn't have a pulse. No joke. Long story short, one of our pastors helped me carry him out and we had to preform CPR and attempt to resuscitate him while we waited for the ambulance. It was so sad for me to have to work on this guy with his friends watching, because I know how traumatic chest compressions look to a bystander, and the whole setting was just wrong. If people cry and freak out in the ER when you do CPR, imagine watching the same thing in your Sunday School classroom.

We finally got a very weak pulse, but not a perfusing rate, and very ineffective breathing, so in all honesty, I didn't have much hope. The paramedics arrived, and although they took him to the hospital, I waited all week to hear that he had passed. Then Friday morning. Woohoo! My friend had called to let me know that this sweet man had come out of his coma and was alert, oriented and totally recovering! Seriously, I could not have been more surprised or excited.
I had spent the last couple of weeks worrying about everything- and I felt like the whole crazy Sunday morning miracle was like God saying "Hello! Why do you doubt my strength and my goodness to you? You don't know what to do to help your husband grieve over his loss? I got it. You don't have the money for the Uganda Mission Trip? Trust me. You think your kids are going to grow up and end up homeless or on welfare because of stupid choices? Let me deal with them. You want to be a better person and have more faith? Let me show you how it's done, beloved."

Oh, What a God we have! I just still am reeling at how awesome our God is and how much He wants to teach us and show us a new way of living. I was hanging out in Exodus and reading about Moses and I just kept remembering how often I think, "Lord, I have been trying for like TWO WEEKS...why am I not perfect yet?" And yet here I see Moses, who was 80 before he was ready to go back to Egypt to help free his people, and then still spent another 40 years wandering around the desert trying to figure life out before God finally said, "That'll do" and took him home at the age of 120. So why on earth should I feel I have to have it all together now?
Such a great week of God Stops, and reminders that God is on His throne...and thank God I am not! His ways are wonderful, His timing is perfect and the laughter and joy He brings to our days is priceless. Oh, thank you Lord for helping me "BELIEVE" better and bigger of You, and bringing us back from the dead- sometimes both spiritually AND physically! I can't wait to be perfected by you, Father. But in the meantime, keep changing me and teaching me...make me look more like you. <3
"Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed." 1 Corinthians 15:51-52

(Pictures are just for fun- back in 2006. Reminds me how much things are always changing, and how much we continue to grow. ♥ )

See ya later, Ruth! We will miss you until we meet again.

It was 1998 and this Women's Retreat was to be full of firsts for me. It was the first time I had ever left my children over night. It was the first time I had ever gone to a "Women's Retreat". It was the first time I found I couldn't keep from crying in public. And it was the first time I realized I could smile... A LOT.

Some history- 1998 was the year I became a Christian- accepting Jesus Christ as the only One who could save me from my sin. Before that, I had always been the tough girl who did her own thing and didn't give a rip what you thought of it. I had had two children outside of marriage, I liked to party and fight and thought that "religion" was something people did because they didn't know what life was REALLY like. Yeah- did God ever blow my socks off that year.

This was also the first time I met Ruth F. She was an older lady at church who was in a ladies discipleship program I had joined and my church planned a retreat for all of us to learn about healthy boundaries, refresh our spirits, and worship God together. I went to this retreat with so much apprehension. I didn't fit in with ANYONE- I didn't talk like these "Christians". I didn't dress like these women, and I certainly didn't think I thought like these people. But I felt so strongly that I should go.

Needless to say, God knew why I needed to be there. It truly was a turning point in my life and the beginning of a lifelong healing. I received more hugs, acceptance and love in that one weekend than I ever had before. These women were strangers to me- yet they were sisters. They were completely bizarre to me- yet they were such a comfort. I think I cried liters that weekend as God changed me completely, and I have never looked back. I smile all the time now, probably too much. I love life and people and instead of being the tough girl that "didn't cry no matter what", I cry like a baby over the most ridiculous things.

And I can still remember distinctly the moment all those changes happened during this retreat.

We were sitting at the round lunch table, probably about 8 ladies and as I looked around at the gray heads surrounding me, I felt so awkward. Friday night had been interesting and uncomfortable, but I was glad I came. I listened to these ladies talk about their families, children, life and love and I started to feel so stupid. Stupid because I didn't understand why they did the things they did. Stupid because smiling and love didn't come naturally to me like it seemed to for them. Stupid because I couldn't tell Bible stories or remember verses like they could. And I just started crying. Right there at the table like a big goomba. Not moaning and groaning, just tears streaming down my face. And that's the moment Ruth stepped into my life and I will never forget it. The whole table was being all lovey dovey to me and trying to comfort me as I blubbered out why I was so upset. "I just feel so behind- I'm 22 years old and I have wasted my whole life. I don't know how I will ever catch up to the faith and understanding you guys have of Jesus. It makes me feel so sad and lost."

Quiet Ruth looked me in the eye in her matter of fact way and said, "Well, you know, I was 27 before I became a Christian. So you are way ahead of me, dear." Bahahahaha! Talk about shutting things down! In her simple, honest sentence- she completely cured me of my self pity and gave me hope. We all started laughing and the ice was broken forever. Ruth opened the door to something I hadn't really considered. My life was just beginning and God had a good plan and purpose. She didn't laugh at me for being so dramatic, or tease me for my silly youth. She just said matter of factly, that God wasn't nearly through with me yet and I needed to gain some perspective.

Over the years we would make small talk and I would give her a big hug every time I saw her. She probably had no idea why this weird little Asian girl always stared at her and wanted to hug her, but it didn't matter. She let me anyway. After we moved back from AZ, I found that Ruth had gotten old. She never seemed old to me- when we were volunteering at New Heights together, or she was driving around all the old ladies who didn't have licenses anymore- she was always so busy. But now, she had finally slowed down. I still looked at her with awe, and loved to see her sitting in church next to her daughter- just staring at the back of her head and smiling in remembrance.

Ruth met Jesus face to face yesterday, May 30th, 2011. And I so wish I could have seen her quiet sweet smile when she looked at Him ...right in the eye, for the first time. I am so GLAD God let me know this woman, and I am so glad that I shared this memory with her daughter a couple years ago so she could explain it to Ruth before it was too late.

It makes me sad to know I won't ever see her little body with a big presence here on earth again...but I am so happy for her. No more pain, no more struggle...nothing but walking and talking with Her Father. The one who saved her at 27 and grew her and taught her and loved her every day of her life. Oh, Ruth- I love you, sister. I still hope someday to catch up to your faithfulness to Jesus...I want to grow up and be just like you. Thank you for always cutting to the chase and for seeing things so clearly. Can't wait to have lunch with you again soon... <3

"No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever." Revelation 22:3-5

The End of Summer is here.

The dark skies and rain today is so fitting. School starts on Wednesday, Fall starts in two weeks, and the sweetness of entire weeks of sunshine and fun with my kids all day long is over. It actually feels good to thank God for the dreariness of today-because it reminds me that "the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."






The Felida Youth had an awesome End of Year River Day. I think everyone had a blast riding the SeaDoo, swimming in the pool, relaxing in the hot tub, and basking on such a beautiful piece of property it was almost surreal. The weather was perfect, and God was present. It was great to see the fun and spend one last lazy summer day with all of them. Note to self though- always bring a swimsuit, or YOU WILL be thrown in.

That was Wednesday, and I was thinking last night how much I take God's goodness and sovereignty for granted. Friday was such a bummer day, the stress of life plus having a patient I was working on code and bleed out minutes after he was talking to me was heartbreaking. And as I processed everything, I realized how ungrateful I am. As Job said, "Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" Job 2:10 Why do I so easily forget- one day I am running around the football field wanting to shout praises to God, and the next week I am asking God "Why?" when He allows troubles. I think a big part of it is I know a lot of my junk I deserve, because of the consequence of my own sin. So it is hard to believe that God is in control even of that. Ridiculous, I know. Yes, sometimes I get whooped for my stupid mistakes, but ultimately, because of Jesus- my wonderful, glorious Jesus, I am forgiven and FREE. Nothing can and should take away the complete joy and peace that comes with knowing my future is secure.
"Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him." Romans 4:7-8

If nothing else, watching that man die suddenly yesterday reminded me of how incredibly fragile this life is... and how short. I need to stop wasting time with regret and worry, and start living like this minute were my last. To be hideously specific- if I had an aortic aneurysm that I knew was going to blow out in the next 5 minutes, would I really be worrying about the bills getting paid, car troubles, what classes my kids are going to be in, who their friends are, how much weight I need to lose...ecetera, ecetera? Or would I be holding every person I see tight, telling them how MUCH Jesus loves them and died for them- and PLEASE accept Him, so they can meet me on the other side? Because as I watched that man be coded, and cried over the loss his family would feel- that was the only thing I could think of.

"But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him." 1 Thessalonians 5:8-10

When my memorial service comes, I am dancin' through it!

It is bizarro to me what God uses to teach us. This last week was a struggle in "what should I say, what shouldn't I say, how should I feel, how shouldn't I feel, what should I think, what shouldn't I think..." and the list goes on and on. Death and eternity were at the fore front of my mind, and I truly didn't know how to deal with it all. Then God used the smallest thing to bring me to my knees- to remind me how awesome and great He is.

As I sat last night at the memorial service for a man I hardly knew, I realized that I went only because I wanted to bless his daughter, who I do know and love, and found that I was the one who was totally blessed instead. Watching this gentleman's life unfold before me, from birth to death- and all the "living" that goes on in between, I couldn't help but cry at how often I zoom in on the troublesome details, and miss the bigger picture. Memorial services often make life appear like it was all roses and daisies and sunshine. Why? Because when it comes down to it- when the fat lady has sung, "The End" has been printed on this life and we no longer have to live in these sinful bodies- we don't remember the day to day fights, the ugliness of battle or the broken hearts of yesteryear. We remember what it felt like to WIN the fight, to receive the reward at the end of our battles, and how God so totally used our broken hearts to grow us and change us into the people we dreamed we would be.

I saw through the pictures of this God loving man a full life- with love and family, laughter and tears, a soldier, a friend, a husband, a father, a grandpa. I watched his children stand up to honor him, and a church FULL of people sit for two hours in a hot, sweaty auditorium just to show his "young" bride how much they love her.

It was a privilege to see what a life well lead looks like, and it made me smile to picture this fella standing next to Jesus, cheering us on as we laughed and cried over him. I love that even though we know some of the very real struggles he faced in life, those did not define him in the end. Those struggles were not a label or a chain to him, but when all was said and done- he heard "Well done, my son" from the only One who matters. It made me think- is that how it will be? Will God really hone in on all He knows about my evil ways and mistakes, or will He allow the picture to get a little fuzzy around the edges and instead zoom in on me and my Jesus- standing together at the finish? Oh, I hope that is what it will be like- that God would find pleasure in me- in spite of me. :)

Today I am going to the beach with extended family and have been dreading it for various (very valid) reasons. But I think I am going to keep my eyes crossed all day, so I can "fuzzy" out the struggles, and focus in on the memory. Let's just hope my eyes don't get stuck.