The depths of despair..." Anne Shirley

I have been a bit neglectful this week, but the things I wanted to blog about belonged more in my private journal rather than a public blog, so I decided to stay away. I need to add some gardening stuff, but tonight I can't stop thinking about DESPAIR. I use to think that Marilla Cutherbert had it right when she said, " To despair is to turn your back on God." But as I have grown up, I realized that not all despair is the same. For me, that is usually where it's at- I am not living the way I should, making decisions I know better about, not asking God to give me an attitude like His. But if all despair was wrong, than what about when Paul said:
"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

They could be despairing and wishing for death, yet they also note that God allowed it to happen that they might more fully rely on Him. It helped me to realize that sometimes our very weakness is what God will use to grow us into stronger believers- and that is a wonderful thing.

I was feeling very sorry for myself this couple weeks, but tonight God grabbed a hold of me and said, "Rely on ME." He showed me that I have it so easy, and my life is so totally blessed- how dare I ever complain? I grumbled about my husband for a day, and what does he do? He shows great love for me and signs us up for salsa dancing classes (something I have always wanted to do, but he never did). My kids give me a little lip, and minutes later they apologize and tell me they love me- TEENS! Miracle! I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, and a job that helps make ends meet and pays for a couple shave ice treats every weekend. We are mentally healthy, physically sound and richer than 75% of the rest of the world. How dare I complain?

I suppose the hard times come so we can say like Paul did:
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Oh, Lord, would you comfort the hurting tonight, care for the needy, and draw your children closer to you. Help us all take you at your word and truly believe you are always with us, You are powerful, You do what you say you will do, You give us LIFE, and you care for us. Work miracles in our hearts and minds, Father. (VBS people will recognize those bible points-they were so true!)

My therapist has a fur coat.

One of those days it would have been better not to get out of bed at all. I got some devastating news this morning from a dear friend that causes me to ask- why, Lord, why do you allow these things? I know that it is better to believe without seeing, that faith is the very essence of trust and belief in something bigger than what you can completely understand, but does heartbreak really serve a purpose? Destroyed marriages, crushed children, relationships ruined by unfaithfulness and selfishness- can these things ever end well?
As I moved around thinking about these things, with tears of sadness and outrage, God gave me exactly what I needed- what I call my "therapy". I can't explain it to you in words, but this letter someone wrote to an editor of a magazine says it pretty well.

"When I read 'What Horses Make Us Do' (November Issue 2008 of Horse and Rider) I started thinking about what horses make me NOT do.
'I'm bored' isn't said around our horse.I don't take anti-depressants. I don't sit on the couch feeling sorry for myself. I don't take pills for my nerves. Nothing gives me more satisfaction than drinking coffee in the morning while watching my horses eat their hay. I don't even have to go to the gym to work out.
Point of my story: My horses are my entertainment, physical trainers, and therapists. They give me a sense of self, a sense of worth, and a reason to wear big, gaudy turquoise jewelry. They keep me well- rounded, open- minded, goal- oriented, and pinching pennies. They leave me feeling satisfied and rewarded. They teach me how to budget money and time,and that- just like with riding- when you throw your weight around, things are bound to get unbalanced. " Nikki Davis-London

What I needed most today was to shake off the sadness and sorrow for my friend, and remember that God has a reason and a purpose for everything. Thankfully, He has blessed me with 3 "therapists" just out the back door. I can go and cry into a beautiful mane at any hour, and after a bit, the world gets right side up again, and I feel like I just might be able to make it through. My horses remind me to take a deep breath, try to gain perspective, and when all else fails and hope has disappeared, "keep on, keepin' on"- regardless of what your feelings say. When life is confusing, do what you know is right, and trust that God has given you the tools to muddle through. Pick up that pitchfork and do your duty, the rest God can work out.
Pray with me that all who feel alone in this world, betrayed and hurting today, would receive such a blessing from God,the peace and steadiness that transcends all understanding. God be with you.