What's our driving force?

Headed into November with a vengeance! I know I am pathetic, I have been listening to Christmas carols since September, but I didn't go with ONLY Christmas albums until now. I have some self- restraint.

I keep expecting things to slow down and for my worries to go away...and then they don't. I wrack my brain thinking up ways to fix broken relationships that people don't want to fix. As I watch my girl struggle with a broken heart, and shame and guilt, I hurt for her and wonder if she truly knows how God sees her through Jesus, her Savior. As I worry about my men- how tired they are and how hard they work every day just to keep their heads above water- I wonder if they know that the choices they make today will resound into eternity, through the people they love, honor and protect. The anxiety at times is overwhelming, and I pray and pray that they will see blessings and find fulfillment in life. And that's when I realize, if the world is all about me, or all about them- ultimately, my "pursuit" is selfish and in my own best interest.

 I heard something though that helped me stop the "freak out". A speaker posed the question, "What is your driving force? If you are the point of it all, doesn't that make your spouse your maid? Doesn't that put an undue amount of weight on your children to reflect WELL on you?...Our personal self interest shouldn't be the driving force of our life."

Other questions I heard that forced me to consider my focus:
Is this good for ME?
Is this just for ME?
Does this benefit ME?
Does this move ME forward?

Is that how I am living every day? If my husband is ok, then I am ok. If my kids are ok, then I am ok. If my home is in order, then I feel in order. If my career is doing well, it means I am doing well. All of this is internally focused.

The speaker dared to say, "How miserable of a human you are if ultimately everything is about you? The more the world is about you, the more anxiety you are going to feel.
The more the world is about you, the more fear will exist in your heart.
The more the world is about you, the more angry you will be."

How true is that? All my worries are because I sit here focused on our little world, which I can't fix anything in anyways.  I'm constantly worrying how to show my husband how much I respect and love him. I'm afraid Jordan will decide he doesn't need to go to college. I'm afraid that Spencer will regret for the rest of his life the choices he has made with his family. And I get angry at everything, for no reason.

Then I read Matthew 6, and it calms the storm in my heart and reminds me- I am not in control and my "driving force" is, and should be, the hope and trust I have in Jesus. Repeatedly, Jesus pushes us to stop with the appearances, to stop with the stress, and LOOK at Him. He says so clearly, "“ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:31-34

Our God is for us, He is watching over us, and providing for the things we don't even know yet to ask for. What a comfort that is! Lord, help me to rest in that freedom. Remind me that the smaller my world becomes in my heart, the bigger You will be. 

Matt Chandler from The Village Church was the speaker I heard, and I truly think you would enjoy the full message. I can't do it justice. Here is the media file in case you'd like to hear the whole context. It's worth an hour of your time. Love you, my friend.

Perspective.

What a difference a new day makes. The fever and chills are gone, and only my throat hurts. It makes everything seem better. With our future move coming up, I was feeling so guilty for making things harder for our dear friends and family, the Clarks, but I finally am remembering why we decided to do this in the first place. All the reasons to get Jordan in the right school, save money, and encourage relationships that build the kingdom of Christ are still valid, and as much as it will be sad and hard, it is so necessary. These last two years have been such a growing time for us, and we are finally coming out of it with a better understanding of the "why"'s and the "what for"'s. Thank you, Jesus, for your unending patience as you watch your people stumbling around, trying to figure life out. :)

As Mercy Me says in their song "Alright"- "ooh ooh, you know it's gonna be alright!"

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life...for your heavenly Father knows you need all these things. But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:25-33