"But this is your hour- when darkness reigns."

Tomorrow will be a day of celebrating and laughing, a time of family and friends and giving thanks for the ultimate gift of salvation. Some people won't think much of it, some will be brought to their knees in gratitude.

Easter Sunday. So important...but not by itself.

Without Good Friday, Easter Sunday would never have come. To have the city praising him and waving palm branches just a week ago, to Luke 22 and after...shame. That's what I feel. I know my fickleness could have lead me to be one of those in the crowd- a shouting, angry face.

We had the chance to attend a Good Friday Service this year, and as I listened to the accounts of Jesus' last earthly moments, the scripture reading and the medical accounts of His scourging and death, I kept thinking of something I read this week about grace. I have been doing a study by Kay Arthur, and she says throughout that when we are faced with our own sin, when we are ready to confess...we can choose to run to Mount Sinai, or we can run to Mount Calvary.

It's such a tangible idea, to run in one direction or the other. Both towards God, but with very different results.

The author said:
"Remember, it was at Calvary that God inaugurated the covenant of grace as He put to death His Son, the covenant Lamb.
Sinai was the mountain on which the Law was inaugurated as Moses "took the blood of the calves and the goats...saying "THIS IS THE BLOOD OF THE COVENANT WHICH GOD COMMANDED YOU TO KEEP". (Hebrews 9:19-20)
To run to Sinai is to try in some way to do penance for your sins, to do some sort of good deed to make up for failing God."

But grace..."grace is found at Calvary".(chapter 6 of "Lord, I Need Grace...")

Oh, how wonderful is that? We keep striving to BE better, to DO better, to try harder to stop being insufficient and weak...when, we will always be completely unable to satisfy the perfection God requires. Until we fall under the sacrifice and forgiveness of Jesus.

Wonderful, wonderful. This weekend is a sad time when you realize what it cost. But it is also the most freeing weekend of the year really, when we choose to embrace all that it stands for.

The pastor said at the beginning of the service to think on what the "Grave" means to us personally. The grave of Christ...and at the end He asked people to just shout out their thoughts. To hear older adults speaking of "grace" and "mercy", young little voices shouting out "forgiveness" and "joy".
I had thought of the word "love" when I pictured Jesus' grave, but as I listened...it was just impossible to see any one word or phrase that could possibly define it.

And that's what is so great about God's sacrifice- it's bigger, and better, and more complete than we can ever really understand. Thank you, Father. Thank you for being so much more than we can imagine.

Happy Easter, Friends. Enjoy your eggs and candy and family, while you lift your hands in praise to the One who gave you everything.
"If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1John 1:8-9

If you need someone to celebrate Easter with and are local, Thomas Jefferson Middle School will be the place to be at 10 AM Sunday. Be there and worship with us!
3000 NW 119th St, Vancouver, WA 9868

(Pics are just for fun- the last few weeks have been full of landscaping and gardening, of love and friendship. Hard things that break our hearts, good things that remind us tomorrow is a new day, and Jesus with us through it all.)

A nice sabbatical...

(Pics are just for fun- little mini photo shoot Jazz wanted for Valentine's Day.)

After a little break from the blogging world, my son threw down on me and said "Please write a blog post, Mom"...and I have nothing to say.

Can you believe that? I always have something to say. I had decided to stop blogging this year due to my kids being "grown" and not wanting to embarrass them any more than I already do, so I have just been focusing on private journaling. But after they both said I had to write again and they missed it...I am not sure where to even begin.

My man child and his lady friend spent the evening reading through my blog book from 2008 (Blog to Print is a great site that will publish your blog in whatever format you design- I make them as keepsakes for my kids, the whole purpose to this blogging business originally) and it was so interesting to hear his take on it. He loved the post I wrote about him of course, "How do you tell your 13 year old son you LIKE him?" while others made him sad because he missed loved ones who aren't around anymore.

When I think about starting 2014, and all that has occurred I can't help but lift my hands up and say "Only You, God".
Only You, God, would think to make us sinful, crazy, loving, unique, and broken people into your special delight.
Only You, God, would beckon us to draw near to you through Jesus, the only one who truly has the RIGHT to be near you.

The grace and the kindness of the Lord is just too much sometimes.  I have no idea what this year is going to look like. I live in fear so much of the time- what next traumatic thing will happen, and other times I just don't give a rip. How can He put up with my fickleness and still WANT me to be near Him? Only You, God.

Reading through Galatians the last couple weeks just puts it beautifully:
"You are all children of God by believing in Christ Jesus. All of you who were baptized into Christ have put on Christ as if he were your clothes. There is no Jew or Greek. There is no slave or free person. There is no male or female. Because you belong to Christ Jesus, you are all one." Galatians 3:26-28

That's it. That simple. That AWESOME.
Only YOU, God, would make us One in such an amazing way. Thank you for that. 

This year bought a grandbaby who is now one years old. And it has me saying the same thing I did in 2008 when I looked at my 13 year old boy...Where did the time go?

Only by His grace can we live each day to smile, to cry, to love, to laugh. Only by His grace do we have any noteworthy moment, thought, or word. 

 I kind of love that. 

Seasons...

One amazing thing about living in the Northwest...you have a guaranteed reminder every couple of months that life goes on.

Another month of birthdays and parties, of work and family. Times of joy and other times of feeling so toxic I am ashamed of myself.

As we all know, I love pictures. I don't even have to know the people in them, I just love looking at the still capture of a moment. That pause and the opportunity to imagine all the story around that one second of time. My dad still teases me on the fact that with all the video cameras out there, I still would rather spend hours looking at a photo. But I can't help it. I love the moment.

As I looked back on this last month, I realized my inward feelings were reflected in my outward life. Most of the photos I took were blurry, out of focus and full of too much action.

 But as I whined to myself, I realized I was missing the entire point. The whole reason I love pictures and take the insane number that I do...because they give me a glimpse into the lives of people. People made in God's image with his good plan in place for them. I LOVE my people, and I LOVE this life of mine. Blurs and all.

 I sat in my Bible Study and griped to the sweet ladies who put up with me, and as I listened to myself, I realized how selfish I can be. Looking for all the things that should be done great FOR me, I was missing out on being the "great" in someone else's moment. God gives us so much in this life, and a short window of time that we can impact this world for His glory. Sitting around thinking He can't use me because I mess things up is such a waste. Because the truth is, He isn't handicapped by my inadequacy. Really and truly. My weakness is not the "straw that broke the camel's back" for the Creator of the Universe. Bahahaha! What a relief that is!
 
In my Bible Study we are focusing on God's goodness, and I can't stop equating that repeatedly to God's GRACE. If His grace truly is enough for me...why do I want so many other things? Things I can't control or change anyways?

Our study keeps bringing me back to Psalm 36. The beginning of that passage is crazy harsh...but truly shows the root of my dissatisfaction. SIN. I can't bring myself to post the first 4 verses because it can be me far too often. Selfishness, pride, failing to "do good" when I could. So sad. You can read it for yourself here, but in verse 5, REDEMPTION.

It reminds us that "Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,your justice like the great deep." 
We can probably all sing that along with Third Day, but it goes on to say:
"People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
They feast on the abundance of your house; 
 you give them drink from your river of delights.
For with you is the fountain of life;
    in your light we see light." Psalm 36:7a-9 

Wow. If we all really believed that. How different would today look?

God's grace and goodness is more than enough for me. Everything necessary is right there...in Him.  Sure, I am going to still have days where I stay buried in bed all day and play Candy Crush until my eyes cross. But Lord, please make those days fewer and farther in between the AMAZING ones where the things of this life dim a bit, and your GRACE grows bigger before our eyes...so that we can shine that light and love to everyone we meet. 
 
"You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house." Matthew 5:14

Go shine bright (and not like a diamond, Rihanna) for the peeps in your "house", friend.

Put some more wood on that!

I definitely shouldn't be allowed to blog any time after 1 AM ever again. What a fire that last post started. I received dozens of messages from people wanting to show their support, some wanting to turn me from my dark ways, and others fearful that I was abandoning the concept of church! Whew! Did I miss the mark on my purpose. I suppose that's the reason I am not a writer.

To clarify-
* I LOVE my church. It's a place where I can be me. Opinionated. Disagreeable. Loving. Merciful. I can pursue learning and growth, and I can disagree with some decisions.
* I LOVE people. Even when we don't see eye to eye.
* And I hope I never abandon the directive from God that tells us to not forsake meeting together, and "as iron sharpens iron", I hope I always rub shoulders with those who challenge me to really mean what I say.

Just as I can obey the laws of my country even though the sight of Obama's face makes my blood pressure rise, I can choose to submit to the things about church I don't agree with when it deals with preference. Changing ministries, how I "do" church, doesn't mean I don't like church.

As much as I am confused at times on how to relate "Cast the sinner out" in Matthew, with "Neither do I condemn you" in John, I do understand this-
"I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one- I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." John 17:22-23
I am sorry if I caused you to be divided. There is a saying, "When you find the perfect church, and become a member...it ceases to be perfect." I don't expect perfection from any church, especially because I am there! Thank you for giving me the grace to have an opinion, though. Let's keep each other thinking, allowing questions...and chances to get on our knees. 


So, on a much less exciting topic- thought I would tell you about BOUNTIFUL BASKETS! The greatest thing I have found in a long time, thanks to some wonderful CHURCH friends (teeheehee) who shared the tip.

I went to pick up my first basket today and was so pleased with what I got! I saved at least 40% on produce I would normally buy at Safeway, and I didn't have to settle for Winco's terrible quality to get the deal. Avocado, celery, carrots, greens, parsley, oranges, apples, potatoes, onions, fresh ginger, chili peppers- the list goes on! All so delightfully FRESH. Strawberries that aren't bland and a beautiful pineapple rounded out the treats.

All you have to do is go to www.bountifulbaskets.org and all the instructions are there. It's completely volunteer, so read through all the notes. You can place your "contribution" on Monday, and pick up delicious fresh veggies and fruits on Saturday! If you are a juicer, this is even better- they have add on baskets for just dollars.

Give it a try and see what you think, it was so worth it. Now I am going to go take my fresh strawberry cobbler out of the oven, and pop in the banana/strawberry muffins. Mmmmmm!

(Pictures taken from random blogs who love Bountiful Baskets too- we started eating ours before I could get the camera out!)

Haters gonna hate.

Timing is a funny thing. It always surprises me that you can go from a total "high" moment at the beginning of a week, only to tumble into disappointment at the end. I suppose its good in a way, it keeps us leaning on the wisdom of the Lord. Trusting His purpose makes it all a little easier to stomach.

The last 9 months have been a roller coaster. No doubt about it. But the learning and growth we have all experienced has been so worth it. I look at every moment of life differently now. When I am in a funk of course, I think of all the mistakes I have made, and say "what if", "if only". But when I am in my right mind, I just see all that God is doing to show who He is. A God who loves us, who wants to SAVE us from ourselves. A God who wants to be connected to us and change us. My peanut brain just can not grasp it all.

I was reading in the gospels tonight, and it just kept striking me that Jesus truly did come to change the way we ARE. The book of John was the very first one I ever read- even before I became a Christian. It's dog-eared, and worn but it still confuses me sometimes. Chapter after chapter, Jesus explains who He is. Clearly, directly. But I still don't understand Him or know Him fully. Because I am still a sinner. I get angry, and jealous. I can be bitter and use my tongue to hurt. I am far too opinionated and I eat too much. But He loves me in spite of me. Crazy.

I got to a passage in John 8  that just gets me every time. Click on the link and read it. It's the story of a woman caught sleeping around. Nowadays, it doesn't seem very shocking, does it? I think every one of us knows someone who could fit this woman's description. But back then- it was certain death. It breaks my heart when I picture her, face down at the feet of GOD, all her shame and sin laid out for everyone to see. I just want to run to her and hug her, to wipe her tears and tell her she is still valued. But the church wanted her stoned. They wanted her to pay for her sin. In blood. (And please don't think I am trying to do a correct interpretation of this passage- I understand that the religious leaders were trying to trap Jesus with His response. Trying to find a way to catch Him disobeying God's law so they could condemn Him. I just relate more with "Pharisees" now, as I am part of the "church" and a "religious" person. This is just thoughts on how I see it sometimes.)

As we face people who can't move past the sins of this last year, it reminds me of this story. I always read it and thought the "Pharisees" looked angry- red faced, raging MAD. Now sometimes I picture them with concern, with indifference, with an air of wisdom. Sometimes...I picture them as just men- who didn't want "dirt" in their "church". I don't feel irritated with them anymore, I just feel more sad.

When I think of the woman, I imagine her relief when Jesus rescued her. When she heard him say, "Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” I imagine her tears. Did she clean up right then and there? Did she never again sin- never again give in to the flesh? I wish I knew. I use to think so- but now I'm not so sure. I wonder how hard the road was to rebuild her life. I know she did it, I just know it. But what were all the consequences she experienced that John didn't tell us about?

I look at my daughter and her little family, and I thank God that she trusts Jesus with her life. I love that no matter how hard it gets, she refuses to quit. Her choices- good and bad- are out there, for the whole world to see. She experiences the hurt every day for her mistakes, while I know so many people- her friends and adults- who walk in their sin and just haven't gotten caught yet. Drugs, sex, immorality. Getting drunk off their butt on Friday and worshiping on Sunday. They get to stand where the Pharisees did. Pointing, whispering. Making decisions that only hurt, because their sin is secret. I feel sorry for them because they don't know that the damage is still being done, even if they still get to sing and worship on Sundays.

I am so proud of Jasmine and Spencer. They keep getting hit, but they keep getting up. I don't agree with them sometimes, but I LOVE the people God is growing them into. I love that they have come so far in so short a time, and that even when things are hard, they are learning to CHOOSE to submit to the authority God has put over them- not just to make up for past disobedience. But because they WANT to see God do big things in their lives.

We were confronted yet again with the hard consequences of sin this week. In theory we can say "you are forgiven in Christ" but in reality, people don't do that as easily. We all have principles to live by, but it's interesting that no one has any suggestions on what that looks like in practice. I guess for me- I'm tired of doing church and life the way "it's always been done". I want to be a person who can show grace even when it's hard. The kind of person who accepts others the way they ARE right now, rather than waiting until they clean up and put on their best dress. Lord, help me to find the balance between the love I have for your Word and Law, and the love I have for your broken people. Make me more like You, Jesus. A God who eats with sinners, saves the prostitute. A God who can love someone even like me.

To leave you on a much happier note- I might not like the "church" very much right now, but I LOVE God's people! Jasmine's friends had a baby shower for her this last Saturday and it was too perfect! All the pictures just give a tiny glimpse of the way these ladies blessed my girl, and showed her how much she is loved and cared for. It was overwhelming to see, and even more wonderful to watch Jasmine and Spencer process the kindness when they got home.

My favorite story was a surprise gift. One of my patients, who I worked with for over a year, is a dear sister in Christ and shares our love of horses and life. She heard about Jasmine and her shower through a co-worker, and wanted to do something special, "because I respect so much her decision to choose life" even when it's a hard road. So hundred of dollars later, Brielle has her crib, and all the accessories- from a complete stranger. This woman has never met my girl, I haven't seen her in months, and yet she wanted to share the love of Christ...the GRACE of Christ, just because. Now THAT, was a great day.

God bless you, friend. Let's never give up on each other...so that our "whole spirit, soul and body may be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

I want OUT of the pigsty!

Having some sun this weekend was wonderful! I literally felt like I could TASTE springtime and all that it brings.

(photo credit to C-Ra. She is amazing with a camera!)

The last couple weeks have had one truly big message to me- GRACE. God has just kept pouring out His love for His children, but I keep looking around at the mess of life and thinking "how did I/we/he/she/they get here?" I am so thankful our Savior is patient- because I don't know how he stands me most of the time! Looking at the troubles of life, it is beyond frustrating to not have the right answers for those I love, or worse- to KNOW the trouble is because I am a stinky little sinner.

I was reading Isaiah 55 and God so gently reminded me that His ways are not mine, so I am going to make wrong turns. His vantage point is not mine, so my "why" questions are understandable. His character is not mine, so I am going to stumble.

But as long as I seek Him, He will let me find Him. And if I will give over my "unrighteous thoughts", He will "have mercy on (me), and... he will freely pardon." (Isaiah 55:6-7)

I hope you pick up the Good Book today and turn to Isaiah 55 and let God comfort your heart too. Maybe you don't mess up as much as I do, but I can guarantee you there are words there that will put a smile on your face.

My good buddy, Alistair Begg (got to be honest-not REALLY my buddy, but a girl can dream) said something this morning that puts it so nicely:
"The grace of God does not come to make us HAPPY in the pigsty of our sin. The grace of God comes to take us OUT of the pigsty!"
Oh, to be free of all sin- done by me or to me! That will be a beautiful day!

" “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts....

...so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.” (Isaiah 55:8-9; 11-13)

Tamar has my number...

I hate to admit that I totally get this girl but I do. Taking matters into my own hands and being impatient comes naturally to me. Surprised, right? ;)

I was not in the mood for a lesson from the righteous today. And God reminded me of Tamar. (There are a few Tamar's in God's Word, but this chick has my heart.) The best thing about this story is the evidence of God's grace. Judah was a jerk, Tamar was a lonely woman who decided to do something about it- and yet they both get to become part of the lineage for Jesus- our wonderful Savior and the Son of God! Back up with me and read Genesis 38. (I always forget to mention, if you don't have your own Bible-message me. I have a pile and would love to send you one! And for now, you can look up the passage at www.biblegateway.com)

Tamar married the wrong dude, then due to their really whacked out heritage rules, she gets pawned off to the brother, then she gets promised if she waits- she will get to marry the youngest brother when he comes of age. Yeah- I know. Gross beyond gross, but that's how they swing it back then. (Her husbands kept dying off because they were "evil in the sight of the LORD". I wonder if she was glad- she was the one who had to live with their EVIL!)

Anyways, things just got worse for her after that. She waited alone for awhile, and Judah, her father in law, never kept his promise to give her the next little bro for a husband- even though he was old enough now. I know it sounds weird, but imagine the situation as a woman in a culture where your only worth came from marriage and the production of sons. Tamar had no hope of that now, and no hope of being a part of the lineage of her people- Abraham's descendants.

What she does next is just gnarly- I can't even TRY to describe it. Read Genesis 38:13-19...I'll wait.

Yeah- wow. Can you even imagine the desperation that it would take to bring a "good girl" raised in the strict fashion of the Hebrews to do this? WOW. That's like trash t.v. unstaged!

The best part is yet to come, as always! Good ol' Judah has still got some live ones- Tamar gets pregnant with that one shot. Yep. Now there is going to be trouble! When Judah finds out his daughter in law is pregnant, he gets all self-righteous and says "Off with her head!" (Well, not really...but I have been watching too many old movies lately.) Clever Tamar then sends him back his seal and staff to prove who Daddy is...big OOPS for Judah.

NOW is the best part- for once in his life, Judah does the right thing. Judah owns up to his sin, and declares Tamar more righteous than he. He recognizes that she just forced him into doing the right thing- providing her first husband (and his first born son) an heir to carry on the family name.

Reading commentaries about this- was Tamar right, should she have gotten what she wanted, what about Judah?Blah, blah, blah. The insight from this passage can go on and on but the beauty and point I think- is the GRACE of GOD.

In spite of it all, God provided for Judah, Tamar, and for US. You see, one of the twin boys this couple produced becomes a direct ancestor to Jesus. Romans 5:20 says it so beautifully, and I needed this comfort today:
"The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more..."

What a lesson! Sin never wins, hurts won't always rule our minds and and in the end, God's Grace will always be more than enough. Oh, hallelujah! Who knows? Maybe this life lesson in chapter 38 was one of the changing factors for Judah. Where he once sold his own brother into slavery (Genesis 37), he than became the man who stood before Egypt's ruler and begged to be thrown into prison instead of his other little brother (Genesis 44:33) But that is a story for another day....:)

Oh, Lord, how gracious you are. Thank you for being our God and loving us like no other. If only we were all as good to one another. Help us remember Tamar and Judah, help us live cleaner and love better.
(Pretty horse, huh? Her name is Bella...)