To live a little...

June 2012...not possible. It's raining, it's cold, and I'm not ready to be 6 months into a year that came too fast. We have spent the last month with proms, and graduations, and goodbyes to so many things. I just wanted to stick my head in the sand and pretend it all wasn't happening.

Thinking about Jordan and Jasmine both being seniors next year, I have felt like this summer needed to be the best, most amazing yet...and I had no idea how to make it happen. Then I realized I don't need to "make" it great. It will be great just because we will be together. Sure we have said goodbye to childhood games, friends who have grown up, family that has chosen to move on, school, etc. etc. This next year there won't be any "Danny" running over to hang out or talk about zombies. There won't be as many bike rides to the country store or free days to trail ride with a best friend for hours. Work will take the time of video gaming, and school will mean something entirely different when you know the grades are part of your college transcript. Bur we will also say "Hello!" to new friends, and new experiences, and all new moments where God just blows our socks off.

Yesterday I picked up my phone and saw a text message that completely changed my focus. It was my beautiful young friend in a hospital gown, holding her "moments old" newborn son. I remember that moment so vividly for myself- the first time you hold your "heart" in your arms- you look into the eyes of another person and realize THIS was why it was all worth it. I saw in her smile all this next season is going to bring- the adventure of life and the amazing privilege of sharing God's love and story every chance we get. To hold the hand of a sweet, innocent child who is just figuring it out, or kiss the cheek of an 87 year old dear lady as she prepares to see Jesus face to face. I will spend hours listening to the hurts and successes of my high school girls, and get the opportunity to plan and encourage the young men around me to live courageously. I will fall, and I will watch those around me fall. I will succeed at times too, and rejoice with those around me who win. That's the life I get to live, and it is such a blessing.

King David fascinates me and I have spent the last month just reading his story and his songs. It is shocking yet comforting to remember how badly he screwed up, and yet how much God still loved him and protected him. He lied, he cheated, he womanized, he was a "bad father" at times...and yet, listen to his last recorded words:
"“If my house were not right with God,
    surely he would not have made with me an everlasting covenant,
    arranged and secured in every part;
surely he would not bring to fruition my salvation
    and grant me my every desire." 2 Samuel 23:5


Ahhh...what a comfort it is to know that in spite of where I fall short, Jesus more than makes up the difference. He is my rock, my shield and my redeemer. He is my salvation and my song. And because of that, I can laugh at the days to come, and just LIVE a little. It's going to be great. 

All photos credited to Kalahan Kayla Photography She is amazing!

The world is alright...

                                                                              Psalm 3
  Lord, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me!
         Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him. ”
 But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
         I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain.
 I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
         I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.
 Arise, Lord! Deliver me, my God! Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
         break the teeth of the wicked.  
From the Lord comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people.

We are in crazy times, so many times I hear people questioning "why" the world is such an ugly place, and why we have to hurt so much. And every time, once the ache in my heart subsides, I remember. God is still God- and HE will never forsake me. I love how no matter what "depth" the pit is I am in at any given time, God never fails to remind me of that. I listened to one of our highschool boys teach at the after school program today, and saw two girls give their lives to Jesus. And more than anything- I was reminded that GOD is on His throne, and no plan of His will fail. This kid took me to school and reminded me that the miracle of the Lord's death and resurrection is the ONLY thing that will matter forever. All this other stuff is just part of the story. He shared proof of the resurrection, and concluded the message with a verse that brought me such comfort, I can't even tell you.
 "Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:18-20

 And then...the world was alright. God bless you, friend.

Remind me...

I love censorship. Seriously, I love that I can have 7 posts started in my blog that I haven't posted because no matter how hard I try they all show what a pessimistic, depressed, Doubting Thomas I am. So- I just keep them private and others are oblivious. (Except for the fact that I am telling you now.) Facebook is the same way, we can show the sides that we want to show of our lives...and keep the junk hidden. Lovely censorship of our thoughts, activities and ideas, so necessary at times.

Anyways, the great thing that I keep learning though, is that as issues arise that strike me with fear, guilt, shame, whatever- God never fails to remind me who I am to HIM. This winter season has brought a lot of ugly with it, but I can't honestly say I would change any of it because it has also brought a lot of learning and wonderful things with it too. I know I am a negative, lying, hypocritical worry wart. This is not news to me...or to most of you. I could walk around hanging my head in shame, but every time I try, God wakes me up with His amazing love and grace. This last week has been a perfect example. When I wake up with the "weight of the world" on my shoulders, and I try to slog through my day with a depressed demeanor- God won't allow it. By the time my head has hit the pillow each night, He has reminded me that He doesn't see me as a sinner, He sees me as His dearly loved daughter. He reminds me that I belong to Him- no matter what. And that "God don't make no junk". What a comfort that is!

God calls us the Apple of His Eye, Precious and Honored, His Polished Arrow, His Children. It is so amazing to be able to cling to those words, and remember that in all things God is working for us, not against us. No matter what our feelings try to tell us.

I have been hanging out in 1 and 2 Corinthians the last few weeks and 1 Corinthians 13 just keeps ringing in my ears. No matter what the circumstances might look like, or how hard it gets- I want to love like this:
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1Corinthians 13:4-7

God bless you and keep you, may He make His face shine upon you today... and give you peace.
"If all of life were sunshine,
Our face would long to gain
And feel once more upon it
The cooling splash of rain" Henry Jackson Van Dyke

(Pictures are of what we do every night. Homework, goofing around, being together. It reminds me why we keep on, keepin' on. )

I hate running.

Yet another first to log in the memory bank today. I put my baby girl on a plane...to Hawaii...alone. I know, shouldn't be that big of a deal. But to me, it is HUGE. She was so excited, and nervous, and happy at the same time. With tears she begged us to come with her, and then with a smile and a wave she got on the plane and left. The attitude of that kid amazes me. She is going to be able to get through anything life deals out.

God gave me the grace to send her off with a grin and no tears, but the minute she was out of sight- yeah, that was pathetic. I suppose when the 20 year old kid behind me walked up and handed me some napkins I should of know I am a wimp. But then when he looked me in the eye and said, "I can see your tears through the reflection of the window...can I help you, ma'am?" I officially made "crybaby whiner" status.

All in all, the goodbye is the hardest part. Now I can thoroughly distract myself with work, horses, friends, and yard work. It is going to be a great 8 days and I am not going to whine or cry about missing my girl. I know I have a tendency to make my children into idols- pouring all my energy, efforts and time into them and forgetting that there is only one thing that should have that kind of total devotion. My Jesus.

I have been hanging out in Hebrews the last week, and after cruising through Hebrews 11 and all those "Heroes of Faith", it made me want to believe bigger of God. Then I read this today and it so hit my heart after sending Jasmine off:
"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." Hebrews 12:1-2

We have been running in a million different directions and we are getting nowhere. And as much as I hate it, I need to "run" like my life depended on it but with a SPECIFIC goal in sight. Never quitting, never tiring- but pushing through to the end. I want to "throw off" the sin of self sufficiency, of self indulgence, even of false worship. My eyes need to not be fixed on my family, my fun times, or simple comforts, but wholly fixed on Jesus- my perfecter and redeemer. Thank you, Lord. For reminding me what really matters! Thank You for holding me close when I am weak, and kicking my butt when I slow down. Oh, how blessed I am!

(While I am busy "running" towards you, I put my sweet treasure, my girl, in your strong, safe arms. Bring her back to us soon.)

To "dwell" in peace and safety...sounds pretty good.

November. Already? Life speeds by and I just can't catch up. Thank the Lord He doesn't expect me to have it all together. I just keep reading this Psalm over and over...and it frustrates me in the middle- because I know how many "false gods" I have in my life, and how often I shame the Lord. But then the end reminds me how GOOD my God is. That He would allow me to "lie down in safety".

Hope you read it and find the special voice of God for you today, friend.

"Answer me when I call to you,
my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

How long will you people turn my glory into shame?
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
Know that the LORD has set apart his faithful servant for himself;
the LORD hears when I call to him.

Tremble and do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
and trust in the LORD.

Many, LORD, are asking, “Who will bring us prosperity?”
Let the light of your face shine on us.
Fill my heart with joy
when their grain and new wine abound.

In peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, LORD,
make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4

(Pictures were from a trail ride on Whipple Creek. Oh, how I love those woods. They are truly the best therapy around.)

To Give and Take Away...

First week of homeschooling a Freshman- check. And it wasn't nearly as terrible as I thought it would be! I feel so blessed to have the chance to teach my girl again in a formal way. To do lesson after lesson and see her excel, it's going to be so cool. The talks we have are usually hilarious and always awesome.

This is what we came from-

We started homeschooling in second grade for Jasmine, and Jordan's fourth grade year.
Back then, we needed the classroom, books, globes and various paraphernalia that made me feel like I was not short-changing my kids from a quality education by trying to be their TEACHER. (THAT was a terrifying first week for this OCD mom.)

Pretty quickly, I realized how little they needed all the fluff, but how much I did. The organization and curriculum helped me be consistent, and helped them stay on track. But after a month or so, it just became so much FUN!

Now, we have really scaled down. Still love Abeka curriculum for High School, but the books and the kitchen table have replaced the classroom set up in the garage with all the goodies.

I had no idea how much homeschooling this year would mean to me. This last June found me not just losing the best friend I have had since first grade, but a dear sister. When she took herself out of our life, I truly felt such grief...like nothing I have ever felt. I spent the last few months filling my life with distractions and waking up nearly every morning in tears from horrible, vivid dreams that are filled with her. How pathetic is that? It was amazing that this week, I didn't wake up crying even once. I feel like God has healed my heart so I can finally hear, "I give and take away, and it is always for your good...and for My glory. Bless my name." And truly truly, I can say I want to praise Him. I want to praise Him for the heartache that is teaching me compassion. I want to praise Him for my amazing kids that teach me every day what love and persistence can do. I want to praise Him for my marriage that is a mess at times and always a blessing. I want to praise Him for the friendships and family I still have and cherish. And more than anything, I want to praise Him for the way He surprises me.

I've been reading in John again, knowing how much I need to see Jesus right now, and I found something in Chapter 16 that brought me such comfort. Check it out:
"Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." John 16:20-22

I just love that. Jesus was talking about when He would be taken away from the disciples, and trying to explain to them what was going to happen. But for me, what a comfort- to know that I will "see" Him again, see Him with my own eyes and I won't remember what this summer even represented. I seriously don't remember at all the pain of childbirth. I don't remember the 22 hours with Jordan, or the 45 minutes with Jasmine. They both are a blur, but I COMPLETELY remember the moment I saw them. Like it was yesterday. And I still rejoice.

How awesome is my God to write that passage in a way that makes sense to me? When is there ever NOT a time that He doesn't DESERVE my praise? I can't think of one hard thing that has touched my life that hasn't show up to be the road to an amazing blessing. Not one thing. Oh, how I love you, Jesus.

So as we start this new season with my amazing girl studying at home again, with hard work ahead and big goals of graduating with a high school and college degree at the same time in 4 years- I choose to say, "You give and take away, blessed be the name of the Lord!" No more being a big baby and complaining about what I have lost, but shouting out all that the Lord has given. Such a nice place to be.

(Just for fun, here's a picture Jazz took, she's got a really interesting perspective.)

Saturdays were MADE for the Sabbath!

What a day to do NOTHING. Well, we did plenty...of nothing. God is so good to give us the rest we need when we don't realize we need it. I had a full day planned of yard work, trail riding and errands...but when the rain was hitting the roof at 6 am, I decided not to do any of it. I read a great book, cuddled with my family and thanked God for the blessing of life, and salvation, and everything else.

I finally reached the point where I realized things are staying different, and it's a good different. As much as I miss the days when just walking through the DOOR made my kids day perfect, when I could just kiss them and tickle them and all their worries flew out the window- I know those days are gone. I am just not enough anymore, and that is a good thing.

I was reading in 1 Chronicles and God just kept reminding me that EVERYTHING belongs to Him anyways. Oh, that my children could learn that now...rather than tumble around with it when they are adults like I am. Every wonderful and beautiful thing they are given belongs to God, was given by God, and ultimately- He is the one to be praised. Check out what King David said in regards to their "offerings" to God:
"“Praise be to you, LORD,
the God of our father Israel,
from everlasting to everlasting.
Yours, LORD, is the greatness and the power
and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,
for everything in heaven and earth is yours...
Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name.
“But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? Everything comes from you, and we have given you only what comes from your hand."
1 Chronicles 29:10-14

Amen to that! When we feel loved, lonely, strong, weak, beautiful, hideous, full of joy and laughter or with tears of despair in our eyes- Praise Him! Praise Him simply because you draw breath, because He loves you so much. What a comfort those words were to my pathetic self-centered heart. I don't NEED to make all things ok, God has got it covered. He is using everything that touches us- good and bad- to turn our eyes towards Him, and give us a heart of thankfulness like David's.

One of the quotes I put in the birthday scrapbook for my girl was told to me years ago, and I had forgotten it until last week when I started putting the book together.
"Hold all things lightly, and nothing tightly."
It seems silly, but it reminded me that standing- open handed before my Jesus is just about my favorite place in the world. I wish I could remember that ALL the time!

(Spent my night at home alone printing old photos to scrapbook, and thought you would like them too! I had forgotten how little Kirby was!)

A time for...

Everything. I keep coming back to Ecclesiastes 3 as we move into this next season of life, and the only comfort I can find is that there is a "time for everything under heaven". A time to laugh, a time to mourn...and it's o.k.

My girl celebrated her birthday this week, became a high schooler and starting driving a car. What happened to the chubby cheeks and pig tails that have hallmarked the last 15 years?

She is the happiest, most wonderful friend. She is sunshine and laughter, and joy in the ordinary. So when she's sad it absolutely breaks my heart. The last couple of weeks have been so hard, and for the first time I have seen her struggle with just being "down". Lonely even when she's not, restless and distracted. Not all the time, but enough to make my heart hurt too. Even when she feels crushed and heart broken, she still tries to brighten my day...and that makes her pain that much harder to bear. When I see her tears, how much she misses certain things that have changed...it feels like I can't breathe either. She just tries so hard to love everyone around her, it makes me so sad when others let her down.

Oh, if you knew what my days are like being the mother of a girl like her. There isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't surprise me with something wonderful. For her birthday, we put together a scrapbook of notes from people who have loved her since she was a toddler. Notes that told her one trait that they loved about her, one way they saw Jesus in her. It was so great to hear what others see. But my favorite was what Steve wrote.

He told her how much he loved her humor, and then reminded me of why she's spoiled rotten. He wrote about his favorite memory, which happened to be how whenever he would try to spank her when she was naughty, she would make him laugh. So they would sit on her bed giggling, and trying to be quiet so I wouldn't freak out. Then they would hug, she would apologize, and he would let her off the hook. Really!?! That's my girl. You can't NOT laugh with her. Thank God she has the Holy Spirit to convict her and discipline her, because apparently we failed miserably! :)

Go give your daughters a hug tonight. Pray that Jesus would be the lover of their souls, he is the One who won't ever let them down. Parents will, brothers will, boyfriends and husbands will- but God, never. Remind your daughters what a treasure they are, and how much you like them.

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace...
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart...I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live." Ecclesiastes 3:1-12

To be fully satisfied...

It is amazing to me how a good day, even a great day, can go bad so fast. We are so easily shaken and it's too bad. I don't know that there is any way to change it, maybe we will always be quick to react, but I am so glad that God doesn't leave us there for long.

As I watched one of my sweet ones cry them self to sleep from a hurting heart, I asked God to never let their compassionate heart grow hard. I had read them Psalm 63 and even in the midst of it all, I smiled to see how the word of God brings comfort and healing...even before we know it.

A dear friend had shared that Psalm with me earlier in the night, and I remember thinking how much I loved the way you can read a passage for years, and for whatever reason it will strike you as brand new and perfect in certain moments of your life. Little did I know at that time God was giving the Psalm to me for my dear one. As we read these words again and again:

"I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you;
your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:4-8

I heard the promise to my beloved, and saw the light returning. Never do we need doubt that we are alone, never should we stop praising Him for all He does. We truly can be "fully satisfied" when our focus is right, our attitude is hopeful, and we trust our Savior completely. Thank you, Lord, in advance for what you will do in us and for us. And thank you that your mercies are new every morning...GREAT is Your faithfulness.

(Pics are just for fun, made me smile in spite of my "Debbie Downer" post. Today is a new day!)

Owl City rocks my socks off...

"Oh telescope, keep an eye on my only hope,
Lest I blink and get swept off the narrow road
Hercules, you've got nothing to say to me,
'Cause you're not the blinding light that I need
For He is the saving grace of the galaxies!"
Adam Young- Owl City "Galaxies"



So much to say and so few words to say them. Instead of processing a bunch of emotional rubbish- I thought you should have the chance to just ENJOY what I saw last night too. Of course you won't be able to feel the energy in the air or the ground actually SHAKING from the music and dancing- but Owl City is just too amazing NOT to share. I have just been indulging in all that is awesome about this musician, and thanking God for flip cams- re-watching the videos is just a reminder of an amazing time. I LOVED this show, and more than anything- I loved the quiet message that God is speaking to me. If this truly was my last moment on earth, what would I say to you, my King?

“The LORD is my strength and my defense;
he has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
...I will exalt him.
The LORD is a warrior;
YAHWEH is his name." Exodus 15:2-3

(Here's the artist speaking about what the song meant to him and why he does what he does.)

A time to hope...

Is it possible to be completely at peace in the midst of a struggle? I keep going back to that passage that says "that we might lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way." (1 Timothy 2:2) and realize there is very little "peaceful" or "quiet" about my life. And absolutely nothing "dignified". This last 2 weeks the rare moments of quiet I have been able to find, early in the morning with my Jesus, laying in the backyard with my flowers- all those moments have been riddled with tears and pleading prayers. Nothing really quiet about that.

I suppose it always falls back on the choice. The choice to believe God. To CHOOSE to hope in Him, trust in Him, love Him, and know that He is good and faithful and kind. It amazes me how God uses the strangest moments to teach our hearts. One of our teens reminded me so gently this week that "we are just waiting for the rapture", and that is where my eyes should be. And another of our college girls posted a passage from Hebrews that I have just been going back to again and again- and it brings me joy every time I read it:

"You have not come to a physical mountain, to a place of flaming fire, darkness, gloom, and whirlwind, as the Israelites did at Mount Sinai. For they heard an awesome trumpet blast and a voice so terrible that they begged God to stop speaking...
No, you have come to Mount Zion, to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to countless thousands of angels in a joyful gathering...You have come to God himself, who is the judge over all things...You have come to Jesus, the one who mediates the new covenant between God and people..."” Hebrews 12:18-24

How cool is that? That we have not been called to a "Mountain of Doom" as in the past- rules and legalistic religion. But we have been called to a "Mountain of JOY", a relationship with the living God who comforts us and loves us and stands in the gap between our sin and God's righteousness. That we might be saved and live fully. Soooo good.

Thank you, Father, for using the most unexpected people to draw my eyes to Your truth. Thank you that while our hearts are breaking over hurt and the destruction of families we love, You are not surprised or unaware. You are with us and have promised to never leave or forsake us. You are a God of forgiveness and redemption. Oh, how we praise you for that, my King!

Pictures were just to give you a smile- we had a wonderful 4th of July in spite of all the junk, and it was filled with fun, laughter, good food and of course fireworks!

And thank you for laughter, these smiles always make me think:
As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds, of your saving acts all day long— though I know not how to relate them all. " Psalm 71:14-15