When my memorial service comes, I am dancin' through it!

It is bizarro to me what God uses to teach us. This last week was a struggle in "what should I say, what shouldn't I say, how should I feel, how shouldn't I feel, what should I think, what shouldn't I think..." and the list goes on and on. Death and eternity were at the fore front of my mind, and I truly didn't know how to deal with it all. Then God used the smallest thing to bring me to my knees- to remind me how awesome and great He is.

As I sat last night at the memorial service for a man I hardly knew, I realized that I went only because I wanted to bless his daughter, who I do know and love, and found that I was the one who was totally blessed instead. Watching this gentleman's life unfold before me, from birth to death- and all the "living" that goes on in between, I couldn't help but cry at how often I zoom in on the troublesome details, and miss the bigger picture. Memorial services often make life appear like it was all roses and daisies and sunshine. Why? Because when it comes down to it- when the fat lady has sung, "The End" has been printed on this life and we no longer have to live in these sinful bodies- we don't remember the day to day fights, the ugliness of battle or the broken hearts of yesteryear. We remember what it felt like to WIN the fight, to receive the reward at the end of our battles, and how God so totally used our broken hearts to grow us and change us into the people we dreamed we would be.

I saw through the pictures of this God loving man a full life- with love and family, laughter and tears, a soldier, a friend, a husband, a father, a grandpa. I watched his children stand up to honor him, and a church FULL of people sit for two hours in a hot, sweaty auditorium just to show his "young" bride how much they love her.

It was a privilege to see what a life well lead looks like, and it made me smile to picture this fella standing next to Jesus, cheering us on as we laughed and cried over him. I love that even though we know some of the very real struggles he faced in life, those did not define him in the end. Those struggles were not a label or a chain to him, but when all was said and done- he heard "Well done, my son" from the only One who matters. It made me think- is that how it will be? Will God really hone in on all He knows about my evil ways and mistakes, or will He allow the picture to get a little fuzzy around the edges and instead zoom in on me and my Jesus- standing together at the finish? Oh, I hope that is what it will be like- that God would find pleasure in me- in spite of me. :)

Today I am going to the beach with extended family and have been dreading it for various (very valid) reasons. But I think I am going to keep my eyes crossed all day, so I can "fuzzy" out the struggles, and focus in on the memory. Let's just hope my eyes don't get stuck.

When Trials Come...

This whole week has pretty much sucked eggs, but tonight definitely brought the "suckiness" to a new level. With all the sadness this week, it has been exhausting to keep a smile, but my sweet kiddos help so much, and my Steve has been awesome. It's been one of those weeks where I find myself thinking, "Why on earth did I ever leave Arizona to be closer to THIS (insert expletive here)!?!" I know that is selfish and horrible, but it's true. This morning actually started out great, blueberry picking with my dearest friend, but getting to experience all that is the delight of "extended family" has me pleading "Jesus, come soon!" I am trying to remember- trying to believe God is who He says He is, and will do what He says He will do- but man, is the rest of the world trying to make me forget. So, nothing inspiring or interesting to say tonight. Hearts are breaking, families are hurting, but the gladiolas are blooming and tomorrow is a new day. God, help us all.

An old hymn I love, and is bringing me some comfort. You can get a excerpt of it on http://www.gettymusic.com/lyrics.asp?id=93 , or even better, order the CD. It's beautiful.

"When trials come no longer fear
For in the pain our God draws near
To fire a faith worth more than gold
And there His faithfulness is told

Within the night I know Your peace
The breath of God brings strength to me
And new each morning mercy flows
As treasures of the darkness grow

I turn to Wisdom not my own
For every battle You have known
My confidence will rest in You
Your love endures Your ways are good

When I am weary with the cost
I see the triumph of the cross
So in it's shadow I shall run
Till He completes the work begun

One day all things will be made new
I'll see the hope You called me to
And in your kingdom paved with gold
I'll praise your faithfulness of old"

Keith & Kristyn Getty
Copyright © 2005 Thankyou Music

The depths of despair..." Anne Shirley

I have been a bit neglectful this week, but the things I wanted to blog about belonged more in my private journal rather than a public blog, so I decided to stay away. I need to add some gardening stuff, but tonight I can't stop thinking about DESPAIR. I use to think that Marilla Cutherbert had it right when she said, " To despair is to turn your back on God." But as I have grown up, I realized that not all despair is the same. For me, that is usually where it's at- I am not living the way I should, making decisions I know better about, not asking God to give me an attitude like His. But if all despair was wrong, than what about when Paul said:
"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

They could be despairing and wishing for death, yet they also note that God allowed it to happen that they might more fully rely on Him. It helped me to realize that sometimes our very weakness is what God will use to grow us into stronger believers- and that is a wonderful thing.

I was feeling very sorry for myself this couple weeks, but tonight God grabbed a hold of me and said, "Rely on ME." He showed me that I have it so easy, and my life is so totally blessed- how dare I ever complain? I grumbled about my husband for a day, and what does he do? He shows great love for me and signs us up for salsa dancing classes (something I have always wanted to do, but he never did). My kids give me a little lip, and minutes later they apologize and tell me they love me- TEENS! Miracle! I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, and a job that helps make ends meet and pays for a couple shave ice treats every weekend. We are mentally healthy, physically sound and richer than 75% of the rest of the world. How dare I complain?

I suppose the hard times come so we can say like Paul did:
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Oh, Lord, would you comfort the hurting tonight, care for the needy, and draw your children closer to you. Help us all take you at your word and truly believe you are always with us, You are powerful, You do what you say you will do, You give us LIFE, and you care for us. Work miracles in our hearts and minds, Father. (VBS people will recognize those bible points-they were so true!)