How terrible am I that I am loving a little break from being a wife? Steve is fishing like a mad man with buddies, and I am free to do ANYTHING I want ALL DAY LONG. I sometimes forget how much I really like being by myself, and being irresponsible!

I suppose in reality I have still had home and parenting responsibilities, but I have also had the time to trail ride for 2 hours, read some Ted Dekker books, and just stare at my flowers and thank God for the mercy He has for this sinful daughter of His.

As we were talking last night, God just gently encouraged me that it is ok to tell Him how unfair I think life can be. Watching families around me come apart at the seams breaks my heart, and I just feel so mad about it sometimes. And that makes me think I don't have enough faith. Which I hate. But then God showed me this Psalm and I suppose if David, a "man after God's heart", King of all Israel, mighty man of faith; had the same apprehensions, I am not in such bad company. And my favorite part is at the end- where we ultimately put our trust is all that matters.

"How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me." (Psalm 13:1-6)

God bless you with some sunshine today, friend. May He comfort and quiet your heart with the knowledge that He LOVES you, and is GOOD to YOU. Even when you can't see it right off.

I am His...and that is enough.

One Year Later
Check out the link above. Best random thoughts I have read all year. God, grant us all perspective. No matter what it takes. (Terrifying words to pray!)
"These are a shadow of the things to come, but the substance belongs to Christ." Colossians 2:17

Hannah is my hero.

The sun is showing itself and it's suppose to be WARM today! You have no idea how excited I am. To be warm is a glorious thing.

I have had a chance to enjoy some delicious flowers, plants and even started building my rock wall. It has reminded me of my long standing hatred of cement. I said a little prayer for all the masons out there, working with cement is a nightmare. But it can be done, and will- so help me God.

The great thing about working in the yard is the quiet time you get. I think that is what my heart needed more than anything. Wednesday I was able to spend a few uninterrupted hours...just being quiet with God. And for me to be quiet- that's pretty much a miracle in itself.

As I worked I kept coming back to Hannah, Samuel's mother in the Bible. I had recently read her story, and love it of course. But the really cool thing about this lady was her relationship with God. More than being the mother of this great prophet, more than seeing a miracle happen with going from infertility to bearing three sons and two daughters, this was a lady who trusted and loved the LORD. Look at it with me:
"But to Hannah (her husband) gave a double portion because he loved her, and the LORD had closed her womb. And because the LORD had closed her womb, her rival (her husband's other wife) kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat...In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life"...(has a chat with the priest, Eli, who was a goomba- just saying)...So the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad." 1Samuel 1 (I abbreviated for time, but go read that chapter. IT IS INCREDIBLE.)

Such a beautiful thing, yes? After you talk to God, is your face "no longer sad"? I realized the last few weeks even after I prayed, my worries kept hanging around. I still felt stressed and heavy. It took Hannah to show me why. I wasn't really giving all those worries to God. Sure, we chatted, but I didn't TRUST Him to work it out for my good and for His glory. Sad, stupid girl. :) After thinking on Hannah's shining face after her time with her LORD, I gave my junk up, and oh, happy day! Nothing changes necessarily, the earth didn't move and the sky open up with a big banner...but I just FELT better. SO COOL.

There is another lesson Hannah schooled me on this week, and it relates to my attitude too. See what you find:
"Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel,saying, "Because I asked the LORD for him." When the man Elkanah went up with all his family to offer the annual sacrifice to the LORD and to fulfill his vow, Hannah did not go. She said to her husband, "After the boy is weaned, I will take him and present him before the LORD, and he will live there always."... So the woman stayed at home and nursed her son until she had weaned him. After he was weaned, she took the boy with her, young as he was...and brought him to the house of the LORD at Shiloh....they brought the boy to Eli, and she said to him, "As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there." 1 Samuel 1

I use to read that story and feel sad for Hannah, but this time God showed me something so cool. Hannah knew what a beautiful blessing this boy was, and she committed to teaching and training him every minute he was with her. She didn't waste a second of her time to mother him by dragging him on the 2 week trek to the temple, she didn't leave him behind so she could go, she stayed in her tent, loving and kissing that boy and WORSHIPING God right in front of him. Did you see that in the last verse? Samuel worshiped God at the temple, because he already knew about the LORD from...guess who?

Oh, to be a mother like that! God honors our faithfulness to train and teach our children, even if we don't know what the future holds. She didn't get caught up amongst her garden without Samuel, she didn't ditch him for women's retreats or amazing careers outside the home, she didn't watch her soaps and gossip with her girlfriends in the caravan. :) She committed to Samuel one hundred percent, and didn't waste one precious minute of her blessed time as a mother.

Oh, Lord- help us to be like Hannah. To trust You like nobody else, to love our children and our husbands with a passion that doesn't run out, and to commit to living a life that honors You, God. And when we get done talking to You today, make our faces shine. <3

Too fast...

Yesterday reminded me of how quickly life is flying by and how GLAD I am that I get to be a part of it. Life is hard, and sad, and beautiful, and fun, and worth it- all at the same time.
Our little niece, Chloe turns 5 today, and it feels like yesterday and she was just a little newborn. Last month, Jasmine turned thirteen- officially a teenager, and yet I feel like I can remember just a month ago holding her hand as we walking into Family of Christ Preschool with tears in both our eyes. I have had my Jordan for 14 years, and they went SOOO fast- now I realized I have only another 4, and as a friend of mine pointed out- how fast do you think those 4 years are going to fly by?

Thinking about all that we have done, experienced and felt as parents is overwhelming, and we have just had a little TASTE. I am so proud of my kiddos for the way they handle life and disappointments, and I feel exhilarated when I see them overjoyed about the blessings God has given.

This last week, we got bad news- and at first, their frustration and anger was tangible. But so quickly they perked back up, and just went on with their business. We found out that our landlord hasn't paid the mortgage since we have been here- 6 months of rent- and now is being foreclosed on. I watched our whole family struggle with the reality of this mess, and then start trusting God to work a miracle, and knowing no matter what we would be together. That made everything else o.k. It was so cool to hear them say that, to sit next to their beds praying together and feeling the peace that transcends all understanding. They handle stress so much better than I do, I hope I can grow up to be just like them. :)

This year has been yet another crazy one, but really- would I want it any other way? To be blessed enough to have two teenagers who make me laugh every day, accept hugs and kisses every night, and still want to sit on the couch and chat with me- no matter where I live, how much I miss my horses and dogs, or how many hours I have to work- it is all so worth it to be able to call these guys...my family.

New Covenant- THANK YOU!

What a whirlwind month September has been. I feel like I haven't had a chance to catch my breath in weeks. And yesterday, we got another bombshell dropped. Good times.

I keep waiting for my life to look like a Little House on the Praire episode. You know, crisis that the family pulls together through, and is resolved in 1 hour with commercial breaks. Hmmm. Can't figure out why I never get my wish. :)

In truth, though, life is good and God is better. There is no doubt in my mind that we can handle whatever comes next because He is with us, and has blessed us so greatly with a family that loves each other and sticks together. Steve just keeps reminding me of all the ways God has already show himself wonderful, and it is so good. Right when my OCD/planning machine mind starts to panic- I remember that MY Lord is with me, and won't ever let me go. He has established a new covenant with me- a binding contract that is stronger than anything on earth, because it goes down to the soul. Not a strict legalistic "10 Commandment" kind of life, but a law that He has made for my good and He has so graciously put the desire to obey in my HEART. Oh, how I love that! The freedom I have is because HE is so totally awesome, and even at the worst times, I can trust that. :)I was reminded last week of something I truly cherish- Moses and the Israelites had the parting of the Red Sea, but Jesus said "Come walk on the water with me, baby!"

Here's to believing God to be big!

"THIS IS THE COVENANT THAT I WILL MAKE WITH THEM AFTER THOSE DAYS, SAYS THE LORD:I WILL PUT MY LAWS UPON THEIR HEART, AND ON THEIR MIND I WILL WRITE THEM," He then says,
"AND THEIR SINS AND THEIR LAWLESS DEEDS I WILL REMEMBER NO MORE." Hebrews 10:16-17

Major chords are sweeter because we know what minor sounds like.

"Would we know that the major chords were sweet,
If there were no minor key?
Would the painter's work be fair to our eyes,
Without shade on land or sea?
Would we know the meaning of happiness,
Would we feel that the day was bright,
If we'd never known what it was to grieve,
Nor gazed on the dark of night?"

Trusting God to know best is always a good place to be.



The pictures is from Alpine Slides on Mt Hood, and the video is what we did. A great day in the midst of a tough week to remind us that God is working in mighty ways, we just have to open our eyes and "see". And when your aren't holding a camera- the sleds are soooo much faster! Woohoo! I will post some great pics of our youth flying down the mountain. Now I just have to learn how to snowboard. :)

He has risen- He has risen indeed!

God is so amazing, and I still don't get why that surprises me! I obviously don't know Him nearly well enough. But I am so thankful He has given all of us the opportunity to know Him more and more. Thank you, Jesus- for making a way.

Easter was such a great time. We had some of our family over, and it shocks me how much better my heart is doing. God has been gracious and truly is giving me a new heart, and a new understanding of what it means to love people. I have a long way to go, but I am finally sure I will make it. :) The drama of the last year, and all the changes that have happened has just reinforced more and more that the "Lord gives, and the Lord takes away- Blessed be the name of the Lord." Where we have lost financially, God has provided abundantly, where we have lost family, God has provided new family for us to give and share our lives with. Where we have lost faith, God has given more grace, where we have lost hope- God has given so much mercy.

I am so rich, and I can't believe I didn't see it before. As each milestone passes from last spring, each holiday is completed- I feel Jesus helping me through, healing the holes in my heart and making me trust in His unfailing goodness. I know there will be days that threaten to tear me down, break my resolve in trusting Him- but the more I realize that there are no guarantees outside of Jesus, the easier it gets to keep my focus.
Ahhh- today will be a good day, Praise God. And if next April finds me alone and living in a cardboard box, Praise God. Help me to truly live like that, Father. God be with you today, friend.
"Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent." John 17:3

Finding balance...

Today was one of those days that I knew I should have never gotten out of bed. Worked the late shift last night, totally exhausted from running my butt off all over the hospital, traumatized from taking care of traumatic brain injury patients who couldn't stop picking their noses and eating the dug up treasure, others trying to pull out their foley catheters without waiting for the balloon to be deflated (horrifying, bloody, and painful). Woke up with too few hours of rest and a severely swollen eyelid that hurt like nobody's business, tried to take a picture of the beautiful sunrise but the beasties wouldn't behave and eat breakfast like they should so I missed the window, and the list goes on. Church was fantastic, and challenged me to be a better "partner" with the people in my life, and no more than 30 minutes later I picked a fight with my husband about something totally stupid. And don't even get me started on the Super Bowl Part. Yes, lovely day that it was- I have to believe that some days are MEANT to be lived under the covers with my chihuahua curled up in my arms. Hehehe
But as I sat here thinking over the events of the day, I realized that if my attitude stinks, everything else in life is going to smell worse than my compost pile on a 90 degree day. That's what went wrong this morning- I went to bed on the "wrong side", and brought that right into the next day. I have a tendency to say yes to everything, because I was such a jerk before I was a Christian I feel I need to make up for it now. So I over-extend and then get grumpy about it later. But I am finally learning there is a healthy balance between being a helper and being a hindrance- hindering the lessons God wants them, and all of us, to learn. So, I might joke about it being a terrible day, but if I am honest, I am glad for the little trials that each day brings, because it reminds me to hold tighter to God's hand. I spent the last year trying to reach for family or whatever to fill the gap left in my heart from the losses of life, and what I really needed was my Jesus. And He is so totally ENOUGH. Now, I have a fresh experience to remind me that following Christ has nothing to do with me following my feelings, and love can cover a multitude of sins. And that is a GREAT day- one where Jesus talks to my heart.
I had a rough morning, but I also had a great time with friends and family cheering on the Cardinals, cuddling sweet babies, and playing with my niece and nephew. No matter if I get my feelings a little hurt by some trivial things, or I feel a bit worn out- the time was not wasted and wisely invested in the lives and memories of the people I love.
So the lesson I got today was: sometimes it is wiser to say "no" when people push themselves on you (long story) or take advantage of you, and whether I decide it is o.k. to stay in bed a little bit longer or I jump up in my ninja warrior outfit ready for battle- every morning God is showing me beautiful nuggets of His character and His beauty, if I will take the time to put my "feelings" aside, and listen.
Very rambling note, and although you probably didn't understand anything I said- sleep well knowing I am doing o.k. and God is on His throne- my new favorite saying if you hadn't noticed. :)
" Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved; clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:12-14

Faithful- faithless...

It is so strange to me how, literally, one day I can feel full of hope, and faith that God is here and working, and all I have to do is follow the "bread crumbs" in His Word and I will be a-ok; and the very next day I can feel defeated and frustrated, not having a clue which way to turn no matter how many passages I read. I can say this now because I am back on track and determined to "trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus- but to trust and obey." (Sunday School song that kids sing and low and behold! Still totally applies to us smarty pants adults who try to make everything way more complicated.) But in the midst of it, I am- and probably always will be- a fickle pickle who relies too much on feelings and too little on faith. We are hoping desperately for a God-sized break right now, have applied and now are waiting for a really cool place to live, and for a couple days, the stress of wanting and worrying, waiting and wondering, was about to drive me off the Grand Canyon in my minivan.

Thank God that He is so much more faithful than I am, that when I despair He doesn't, and when I fret, I think He smiles and gives a little pat, as we do our children, to reassure me that all is still right in the world, and the sun will still rise and set whether I get what I want or not. This morning I woke up and just knew that I would get what I need (don't know what that is right now, but He does) and I didn't have to be anxious anymore. Why he gives me an extra measure of grace all the time, I don't know, but I am so glad. Today is a new day, and I am so happy that I have Jesus- where I live, or who I live with is just frosting. :) Now, if I can just hang on to that promise for the next week- things will be good. Anyone have some ideas on how? This fickle pickle can use all the help she can get.