Saturday, March 22, 2014

Sometimes...I am so sentimental, I make MYSELF sick.

What a month! Tuesday I gave the keys back to my little house. And now I sleep in a room that isn't my own, in a bed I don't recognize, and looking out windows that hold no familiarity. How silly to love the change, but struggle with it at the same time.
We had no intention of moving out of our little Felida house until we bought a place back out in the country, where we could have our horses and dogs and the seclusion we love. "Over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother's house..." and all that. We struggled with how small our house was, the bigger our family got the more we felt the difficulties of not having a dining room, or enough seating in the living room for when the kids came over.

But it was perfect for just Steve and I, and I loved my yard. So many pretty little things I had planted and watched grow.
* I could sit and picture Danny's long legs swallowing up the driveway as he came to say hello- bursting through the screen door and full of fun conversation.
* Caitlyn and Jazz riding bikes to the country store and eating disgusting things...just because they could.
* Spencer zipping down the drive on his bike to get a glimpse of his "true love"...loving and hurting for him yet wanting to grab a broom and sweep him away at the same time. 
* My kids running and laughing and playing and crying. Ping Pong, basketball, and everything that defines being a teenager.
 * Long talks snuggled up in blankets on the porch, watching the sun go down.
* Water fights, babysitting cousins, Little House on the Prairie marathons that made us laugh and cry all at the same time. 
* TAG girls lounging on my sofa and telling me their hearts, loving them all the more because of what God was doing through them...and they sometimes didn't even know it. 
* Parties and family and friends and joy.
* Hard memories too, ones that still sting.
But even that was difficult to let go because it defined a time in our lives where God did amazing things and proved again how faithful and loving He is in spite of us.

I think Jordan said it best, the day we moved the beds in and he recognized what was missing. "Mom, how weird is it that there are only two beds now." My man child, seeing the emptiness that happens as we grow up and move on. We are such nomads, he has moved a million times so it's no big deal. But every other time, he has had his sister right there next to him. Laughing as they pack treasures that hold wonderful memories. Having Nerf wars as they unpack and explore the new hiding places. But this time, there's no bed in the room next to his. There's no laughter from a crazy, fun, baby sister running in to show you an old picture she found. There's just being grown up. And starting something new.

I felt it best when I heard a knock at the door and opened it to find my daughter standing there.
"Why on earth did you knock, love? You know you can come right in."
"I don't have a key, Mom. This isn't my house."
Oh, you can imagine the tears.
So sentimental. It's actually pathetic.

But when God opens a door, it's a good thing to walk through it. So here I sit, finally having a minute to breathe...away from cardboard boxes, cleaning and painting, loading and unloading. And as different and odd as I feel, I can choose to thank God for all the blessings.

We have had guests that aren't sitting on the floor. Baby Bee has her own playroom where she can explore, chat with her angel fish, and rock with me as we read stories and make up fairy tales. We use to call our house "A Hobbit Hole" because it was so dark and wet, but this house is filled with light and openness.
The moment that I finally stopped crying about what was, and looking forward to what is was on Wednesday. A dear, sweet girl who was in my high school group- now so beautiful and grown up- stopped by to say hello and shine light and love into my day. It blessed my heart so much and gave me hope.
She has no idea how much God used her to slap me straight.
It gave me hope in the NEW memories we would make. The new adventures we will have and the new ways we can serve God. My address is just address. Nothing else has changed.

It helped that she brought me double chocolate brownies with a chocolate chip cookie topping. She knows me.

Thank you, Lord for the way you move us and shake up our world. Thank you for teaching us to "hold all thing lightly, and nothing tightly". I love you. The sun is shining, and this yard is CALLING my name. Flowers and weeds and rocks and dirt, I'm coming for YOU.

" Never stop reading this... Day and night you must think about what it says. Make sure you do everything that is written in it. Then things will go well with you. And you will have great success. Here is what I am commanding you to do. Be strong and brave...Do not lose hope. I am the Lord your God. I will be with you everywhere you go.” Joshua 1:8-9
(One of my last memories of the old house, celebrating Bee and Spencer's birthdays. )

(No blog is complete without admiring this little cutie. She's ONE!)


Anonymous said...

Hi renee. This is tracey, we have Samson. Just wanted to check in with you and say hi. We are in Massachusetts and getting ready to go to Dubai in December. Would love to exchange email. Sam's doing great and we love him dearly! If it's possible to be loved too much, Sam may be approaching that!

Doanz said...

Wow! Can't tell you how many times I have thought of you over the years. So thankful Samson is doing well and you love him so much. <3 Massachusetts! Long way to go! Do you have facebook? I can send you my email through that. Not sure hoe to message you back privately.