The Right Horse

This is a hilarious little sketch I have read before, but received again and thought I would post it for posterity. It started with the whole New Years Resolution, weight-loss thing, and Dr. Phil (idiot) told a woman who wanted to get a horse for exercise, "that's great for the horse, but what does it do for you?" This writer decided to explain what the "right horse" can do for anyone's waistline. I have added a picture of my "right horse". Mandy was quite the nightmare, but lots of fun at times. If I hadn't moved, I would be a size 6 by now from chasing her around!Hehehe Not to mention trying to maneuver that beast would have made the Thigh Master look like child's play. She was the only horse I have ever wished that I had spurs for!

"Allow me to explain.... With the right horse, you begin your fitness program by walking out to the pasture. As you stride briskly, you carry the halter and lead rope behind you, pushed up high on your back so the lead doesn't drag. The purpose of this is to tone your chest and upper-arm muscles (because you're not fooling your horse, for he knows what you carry). As you approach to within a few feet of him, he'll walk slowly away from you, but at a pace just so you can't reach him, then stop. This will be repeated several times in succession, until you're ready to jog. At that point, because you own just the right horse, he will trot, then gallop around the pasture. If you're at the advanced level of fitness, you may continue chasing after him for maximum aerobic benefits, or just stop and start throwing rocks at him to give your rotator cuffs a workout. (Make sure you switch throwing arms. Not only is this a benefit to you, your horse will think it hilarious). Beginners may prefer to toss the halter and lead on the ground, bend forward from the waist, and engage in heavy breathing and chanting (that's what we'll call it, anyway -- chanting) as the horse continues to circle the field. For those of you that have experience with this exercise, you may choose to throw the halter and lead, walk briskly, bend, pick up, repeat. When the horse determines you've had enough of this warm-up session, he'll allow you to catch him.

Now comes the total upper-body workout of grooming. The right horse, of course, will be caked in dried mud. The cement-like consistency of it will require work-to-exhaustion effort of your biceps and triceps. NOTE: This exercise has added value, the dried mud will stick to your face with perspiration, instant facial! Next comes the bending, stretching, and toning of hoof-picking. Bend over, pick up the horse's left front foot, then be prepared to jump back as he stomps it back down to the ground, narrowly missing your foot. (Keep your knees bent as you jump, to protect your lower back.) Reach down and pick up the foot again, hopping about with the horse to maintain your grip as you attempt to pick what seems to be dirt mixed with Super Glue from the hoof. Eventually the horse may stand still; you may be chanting by this time. Repeat the entire circuit 3 more times with the remaining feet.

Once you can stand erect again, it's time for the insect repellent exercise. True, with this one, your horse may actually get more of a workout than you do, but you certainly get more of the repellent. It goes like this: Squirt!-circle- circle. Squirt!-circle- circle. Squirt!-circle- circle--- and so on, until you're completely misted with repellent and chanting 'whoa you sonofab... whoa'. To receive maximum benefit from this exercise, make sure you are at the beginning of a deep inhalation during the 'squirt' cycle and exhale after the last chanting 'whoa'.

With the right horse, saddling up provides both aerobic and strength building benefits. The trick is to keep your feet moving as you heft the saddle blanket over and over (and over), trying to keep it in place on a moving target. The blanket exercise warms you up for the saddle exercise, for which the routine is the same, only the weight is much greater -- perfect for buffing those hard-to-tone shoulder muscles.

Now comes the mounting exercise. With the right horse, it's left leg up, hop-hop-hop, left leg down, heavy breathing. Left leg up, hop-hop-hop, left leg down, heavy breathing. For balance, go around to the other side and continue the exercise (right leg up, hop-hop-hop, heavy breathing, right leg down, heavy breathing, etc.). When your heart rate begins to exceed your target range, look for a bucket. Bend over, pick it up, place it upside-down next to t he horse, wait for the horse to move away, then bend over, pick it up again, place it next to the horse, and so on. NOTE: This is a cooling down routine, not to be confused with the warm up pasture routine. When the horse deems you've had enough of these repetitions, he'll stand still and allow you to actually mount.

At this point, of course, you'll be too exhausted to ride and your facial mask will be dropping off in chunks. It’s best not to overdo it, so dismount, grab a glass of wine, and head in to recover in a bubble bath."

Author unknown

It is in the genes!

I think I have finally found the cause of my easy addiction to all things fiction- my genetic make up. Hehehe Ahhhh, isn't it wonderful to be able to blame something for my failings? Whether it be over eating, alcoholism, homosexuality, inability to commit, or ADHD- if we can blame it on our parents, it makes it all ok, right? (gag with me if you have heard those pathetic excuses for lack of self control a time or two)

No really, I found the other day that my mother and I actually have something in common, and it was such a neat surprise. My parents surprised us a few nights ago with coming to dinner, and it was so fun to see them here. They rarely come to our house, hardly more than they visited us in AZ, which was once. So when they called and said they would like to come over, we were glad. While visiting, some how books became a topic, and I found out that my MOTHER doesn't like to read anymore because she feels guilty that she is neglecting her other duties. How hilarious is that? I never would have thought it, all my life I have never seen her pick up a book for other than work purposes. But she said once she starts a book, she finds it nearly impossible to put it down, and as a girl, she would hid in closets, under the stairs, wherever- to read and read uninterrupted. Her mom would get so angry because she thought she was sneaking out, or hiding from doing chores. Sounds familiar- now I know why she was so indulgent of my love of books when I was growing up, she never complained TOO much when I would ride my bike up to the summer book mobile- come home with about 15 novels, and disappear for the next few days. My mom would even try to read in closets with out a light, so that no one would see it and come looking for her. It was so funny to picture her like that, a romantic, imaginative girl- knowing she had business to attend to, but unable to tear herself away from interesting characters.
It was a nice memory to share, and I loved the glimpse at my mother it gave me. There are moments where I can see that fun-loving spirit peek out from her, and if it weren't for the worries of life, she might have managed to keep some of the "story-loving little girl" more present in her. This idea has made me determined to stop over-analyzing and stressing about so much, and work on taking each moment, for what ever it is worth- and living IN it. I love my mom, and know that she has taught me many things growing up, and even today, she is a reminder to be generous, to love your family, work hard for your children, and now- to go read some books and enjoy them! I never want to lose my sense of humor, or have worrying be my trademark. There has to be some lightness, and frivolous behavior, once in awhile! For all that we complain, I don't know very many people who have any right to blame their parents for their problems as adults. As a mother, I know we all do the very best we can- and your psychiatrist can take care of the rest. :)

I love this photo- on a snorkeling trip to Phu Quoc, my mom wanted to participate in our fun in the sun, but didn't want to jeopardize her complexion with a tan. So she hitched her skirt up, put Jordan's shirt on her head, and waded into the sea with us!

Being ready...

It is amazing to me how much we can handle, if we choose to be willing and ready anytime God calls. Most days go along in this ridiculously monotonous stream of duties and chores (in honor of NACHO- "kitchen duty, dead guy duty, maybe it's time I find another duty!"), but what if- what if we had our eyes and ears open for the missed opportunities God provides? I watched this video of Chris Tomlin talking about a band of average guys, willingly doing an extraordinary thing, and it just inspired my heart to stop whining and start watching. Watching today for the chances God gives me to be his hands and his heart, even in the littlest things.
If you are a Christian, you know that strip clubs and prostitution are not a part of your average day, but here these godly men were willing to stand in the very evilest of places, and sing praises to God for two hours- albeit with their eyes closed, I am sure. :) How awesome. I don't know that I could even stand in a garbage dump for two hours having a conversation with someone, much less in a place with more distractions than simply a bad odor. How many times has my legalistic Christian point of view caused me to turn my nose up at the thought or the actions of someone who doesn't know Jesus? How many times have I self-righteously determined that they are WRONG, and continued on my way, not thinking to stop and show them the compassion and love God has shown me time and again? And how many times have I been so busy worrying and complaining about the petty struggles in my life that I didn't even NOTICE the need of someone else? Oh, forgive me, Lord. As a believer, we have soooo much- so much that matters. Even when the bills are stacked to the ceiling, the job is lost, the marriage in shambles, or the kids indifferent to a parent's love- even then, we are more wealthy than Bill Gates because of the heritage we have in Jesus. How can I not share that, be more willing and ready to put everything else aside when the opportunity arises?
What an amazing song, what an amazing truth. Now I have to actually leave the safety of my room, and live it. God help me....:)
I hope you have a chance today to "sing God's heart" to someone- to a child who is misbehaving, to a husband who has forgotten to love you, to a sister who has wounded you, to a supervisor who is trying to drive you to drink, to a stranger who could use a hand- let me know how God reveals the "brothel" he asks you to serve in today. I would love to praise Him with you.