Sunday, December 14, 2008

Out of the hole....

Wow...yeah. So, nearly 10 days later and I am finally resurfacing. It's so funny that we can go through all the motions of living- eating, drinking, cleaning, caring- and yet be a million miles away in our heads. I did the bare necessities all week, taxi service, youth helper, mom, wife, nurse- but my heart and mind always tucked safely away this week. This was a much needed sabbatical from real life, and I feel so refreshed! As long as I can remember, I have craved "alone-ness" at least every season, and the more entrenched in my responsibilities I have become, the more difficult it is to manage stealing even a few hours when this desire strikes. My whole life I have always felt guilty for my need to be alone- somehow extremely selfish for wanting to disappear from the world- the people world- at times. For wanting above all else, to be alone with my thoughts, read a good book, watch an old movie, write a story, or just stare at the ceiling. Sometimes my friends or husband have accused me of being depressed, but that has never been the case in these instances- when I am depressed and in a hole, I fill that alone time with frantic energy- worrying, cleaning, worrying, cooking, worrying, walking. But these little breaks are something entirely different- and entirely mine. As I have gotten older, that need has never really gone away, although now I can satisfy it with my husband and children still present because they are so much a part of me- but this is the first time that I don't feel apologetic for being self-absorbed. I feel a revelation coming on, so I will spare you the details, but God is so amazingly good, so infinitely kind- I can't put into words how thankful I am to be loved by my Creator, who so totally understands me, and my needs, and is willing to patiently teach me to understand and love myself and those around me. :)

Not to mention such a great day to end my little break on. It has been a blizzard up here all day, with fierce wind and snow, and times of beautiful calm and quiet. It was such a blessing to look out my window and see my kids and their cousins playing in the snow, laughing, wrestling with their dads and the big dogs. Note I was not in that horrible, cold, wet stuff- in addition to the Oregon coast, snow holds absolutely no draw for me anymore- I like to WATCH it, not TOUCH it. (snicker)I nearly died of frostbite just getting to the barn and carrying water buckets to my ponies(OF COURSE the pipe had to freeze in the barn). All in all, a fantastic week, a fantastic life, and a Glorious God to talk to who knows the desires of my heart.(Note- tomorrow is probably going to stink....hehehe That's the way it goes.)

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