Monday, September 5, 2011

Last Nights of Summer...

"Sorrow and scarlet leaf,
Sad thoughts and sunny weather.
Ah me, this glory and this grief
Agree not well together!"
-Thomas Parsons, 1880, A Song For September

What a summer! I know we have a couple weeks left, and thank God it's going to be HOT! But when I look back at this last season, I literally can't put all the pieces together. It started with crushing news, and has flown by like no other summer before it. I have felt the change in the air, and that might be part of it. This summer has felt like truly the last hurrah of childhood for my little family, and it is so bitter sweet. So much is changing, and changing in a way that can't ever go back. Not bad, just different. So very different.

A part of me wants to dig my heels in and refuse to let life happen. I refuse to let my son make his own choice on what college he attends, what career he selects. I refuse to watch my daughter fall in love for the first time, to decide for herself exactly what she wants her future to look like. Every thing in me wants to stamp my feet and pitch a fit until I get my way- to have everything stay exactly the same and my amazing kids right here, next to me forever.

That's the brat in me. But then I remember- every moment of their lives has been leading us to this. As I have clung and prayed Deuteronomy 6 for my two all these years:
"These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."
I remember, God- they were never mine to keep anyways. You loaned them to me for a season, and oh, Lord, I hope I didn't permanently screw them up!

I went to Frenchman's Bar last week and as I waited for my girl, I had time to just watch the water and be quiet before the Lord. It was the first time in a long time that I felt like I could honestly let go of the worry and just be still. I cried over the heartache, I laughed at my silly sentimental whining, and I mourned the changes I see. So much loss in one summer, and yet so much HOPE. I will probably never LIKE sharing my kids with the world, but I don't think I will ever feel THAT sad about it again. It's time to let go, and "let God". To watch the people they are becoming, the beauty in the midst of their flaws, such a privilege.

It felt good to go back to that beach tonight, with a light heart and joyful steps. To sit by the shore and laugh with the teens I adore, and realize that although good things come to an end- there is always something amazing right around the bend. That's just the kind of God I have.

As we gear up for homeschooling this year, SAT's and college prep classes- I am ready. Summer is ending, but Fall is just beginning...and I can't wait to see what God has planned, because I KNOW it's going to be GOOD.
"“Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
wisdom and power are his.
He changes times and seasons;
he deposes kings and raises up others.
He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning.
He reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with him. " Daniel 2:19:22
What a comfort You are, Father. That I can trust You, and know that nothing takes You by surprise. Thank You for always being the One Constant...and thanks so much that I still have a few years to wreak "control freak" havoc on my teens!! Muhahahahaha!

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