See ya later, Ruth! We will miss you until we meet again.

It was 1998 and this Women's Retreat was to be full of firsts for me. It was the first time I had ever left my children over night. It was the first time I had ever gone to a "Women's Retreat". It was the first time I found I couldn't keep from crying in public. And it was the first time I realized I could smile... A LOT.

Some history- 1998 was the year I became a Christian- accepting Jesus Christ as the only One who could save me from my sin. Before that, I had always been the tough girl who did her own thing and didn't give a rip what you thought of it. I had had two children outside of marriage, I liked to party and fight and thought that "religion" was something people did because they didn't know what life was REALLY like. Yeah- did God ever blow my socks off that year.

This was also the first time I met Ruth F. She was an older lady at church who was in a ladies discipleship program I had joined and my church planned a retreat for all of us to learn about healthy boundaries, refresh our spirits, and worship God together. I went to this retreat with so much apprehension. I didn't fit in with ANYONE- I didn't talk like these "Christians". I didn't dress like these women, and I certainly didn't think I thought like these people. But I felt so strongly that I should go.

Needless to say, God knew why I needed to be there. It truly was a turning point in my life and the beginning of a lifelong healing. I received more hugs, acceptance and love in that one weekend than I ever had before. These women were strangers to me- yet they were sisters. They were completely bizarre to me- yet they were such a comfort. I think I cried liters that weekend as God changed me completely, and I have never looked back. I smile all the time now, probably too much. I love life and people and instead of being the tough girl that "didn't cry no matter what", I cry like a baby over the most ridiculous things.

And I can still remember distinctly the moment all those changes happened during this retreat.

We were sitting at the round lunch table, probably about 8 ladies and as I looked around at the gray heads surrounding me, I felt so awkward. Friday night had been interesting and uncomfortable, but I was glad I came. I listened to these ladies talk about their families, children, life and love and I started to feel so stupid. Stupid because I didn't understand why they did the things they did. Stupid because smiling and love didn't come naturally to me like it seemed to for them. Stupid because I couldn't tell Bible stories or remember verses like they could. And I just started crying. Right there at the table like a big goomba. Not moaning and groaning, just tears streaming down my face. And that's the moment Ruth stepped into my life and I will never forget it. The whole table was being all lovey dovey to me and trying to comfort me as I blubbered out why I was so upset. "I just feel so behind- I'm 22 years old and I have wasted my whole life. I don't know how I will ever catch up to the faith and understanding you guys have of Jesus. It makes me feel so sad and lost."

Quiet Ruth looked me in the eye in her matter of fact way and said, "Well, you know, I was 27 before I became a Christian. So you are way ahead of me, dear." Bahahahaha! Talk about shutting things down! In her simple, honest sentence- she completely cured me of my self pity and gave me hope. We all started laughing and the ice was broken forever. Ruth opened the door to something I hadn't really considered. My life was just beginning and God had a good plan and purpose. She didn't laugh at me for being so dramatic, or tease me for my silly youth. She just said matter of factly, that God wasn't nearly through with me yet and I needed to gain some perspective.

Over the years we would make small talk and I would give her a big hug every time I saw her. She probably had no idea why this weird little Asian girl always stared at her and wanted to hug her, but it didn't matter. She let me anyway. After we moved back from AZ, I found that Ruth had gotten old. She never seemed old to me- when we were volunteering at New Heights together, or she was driving around all the old ladies who didn't have licenses anymore- she was always so busy. But now, she had finally slowed down. I still looked at her with awe, and loved to see her sitting in church next to her daughter- just staring at the back of her head and smiling in remembrance.

Ruth met Jesus face to face yesterday, May 30th, 2011. And I so wish I could have seen her quiet sweet smile when she looked at Him ...right in the eye, for the first time. I am so GLAD God let me know this woman, and I am so glad that I shared this memory with her daughter a couple years ago so she could explain it to Ruth before it was too late.

It makes me sad to know I won't ever see her little body with a big presence here on earth again...but I am so happy for her. No more pain, no more struggle...nothing but walking and talking with Her Father. The one who saved her at 27 and grew her and taught her and loved her every day of her life. Oh, Ruth- I love you, sister. I still hope someday to catch up to your faithfulness to Jesus...I want to grow up and be just like you. Thank you for always cutting to the chase and for seeing things so clearly. Can't wait to have lunch with you again soon... <3

"No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever." Revelation 22:3-5

Right place, right time...

"Ever been at the wrong place at the wrong time? Consider: Patricia Spahic, age 59, who was sitting in the third row during a Pittsburg production of Hamlet in 1989. She was cut on the head when Hamlet's dagger slipped out of his hand and sailed into the audience!
Or Joan Raeburn, age 26, of West harrison, Indiana, who was traveling by car on a rural road near the Ohio state line in 1987. She was the victim of a hit and run pilot, who grazed the roof of her car with his single engine airplane and flew off into the night!
Or the mother who was shot and killed while lying in her bed in her Austin, Texas apartment in 1988. The man downstairs had fired a loaded pistol up through the ceiling by accident.
It's best in this life, uncertain as it is, to be sure that our life insurance is paid up as well as our eternal life ASSURANCE plan- for living in readiness for any uncertainty. " -Robert Strand

"Let us live as people who are prepared to die, and die as people who are prepared to live...(forever)." - James S. Stewart

I read that with chagrin- so often I let petty things get me all twisted around, and forget how finite this lifetime is. There is just enough time to love the unlovable, forgive the hateful, and do good to those who hurt you- and it won't cost you anything in the long run. I want to be in the RIGHT PLACE, at the RIGHT TIME to see God's glory, and His provision in this wretched world. He is working, and moving amongst us- but we are so blind to His presence most of the time.
If I were to be gone this very minute- would I be glad of the last memory people had of me? That is the way I want to live- leave each person with more love and hope than before they talked with me, my family safe and secure in the salvation of Jesus, and the world a little better than I found it. If that were my goal every minute- how exciting life would be! Ugh! If only I could tame this frivolous mind of mine- to keep it's focus on the prize- the pleasure of God- rather than the nit-picky things that seemed so important 10 minutes ago. God help me, and be with us as we move about this world in your name- help us leave it a little better than we found it. Now, I am headed outside to pick up a million tree branches and debris that our windstorm blessed me with- and leave my yard a little better than I found it. Hehehe

We are to be pitied...

Crazy week. Good in lots of ways, busy in a hundred ways. Lots of decisions to make, plans to be discussed, feelings to be considered. Working full time hours for a week makes me realize how grateful I am to only work part time most weeks. Sometimes I think that if I could just make a pause button for life- that everyone else could continue about their business, but I could pause my day- it would be so wonderful. I could hold back the things that had to get done, and then just jump back in once all the events are over, with no consequences. Heehee, wouldn't that be lovely. Never a reality, but a nice dream all the same. We are trying to decide what to do for Jordan next year, school-wise. He will be a freshman, and it seems like a good time to transition him back to traditional school, but the costs and worries I have are making it hard to see the "forest through the trees" so to speak. Pray with me if you think of it, the decision is so important, and how we raise our children is one thing we never want to look back on and regret. To feel that we have missed out on the next 4 years of his life would be devastating, but to not give him a needed opportunity would be just as bad. What to do?
The only thing I can think of to share tonight was something I heard from a pastor on KPDQ this week. I am so tired it is amazing I can think at all, so hopefully this makes as much sense now as it did on Thursday. He was going through one of my favorite books currently, Philippians- and he made the point that if all we are hoping for is our Christianity to help us through this life, to make the living of day to day better- than we are to be "pitied above all others". He continued to state this idea, that if we only hope for comfort, we are to be pitied, for love and acceptance, we are to be pitied, safety and shelter, we are to be pitied. He went on for quite awhile, and I wasn't sure what exactly he was getting at. But as he continued to expand the idea, and share God's Word, it really struck me that that is often how I pray. That God would help me to make things better here, that he would heal broken relationships, grow my children towards Him, bless my marriage, fix my finances, but ultimately- none of that should be of first and foremost importance to me, that my eyes should be set on heaven- that heaven is where I belong and this other stuff is just baggage. It was very cool, and as he described how false this idea of "being a Christian equals better times" was, and how many forms of depression and anxiety would be better treated with love for our true home, heaven-it just pointed a finger in my face. I might not realize it because I always THINK I am getting ready for the "big trip", but am I really? Do I REALLY want heaven and my Father more than ANYTHING here? Not to imply that clinical depression shouldn't be treated medically, but how often have I, myself, been depressed for a time over something so ridiculous, I can't even remember the cause now? And it always comes back to where my focus lies. "For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, our Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform the body of our humble state into conformity with the body of His glory..." Philippians 3:20 Finally, it won't be HARD to do the right thing there. Hurray!

The hope we have in Jesus.

When you need a reminder of how short life is... don't wait until it's too late.