A Little Bit...

("Why, yes...I do know how to whistle.")

I love this sunshine. A little bit.
I love seeing my son laugh with his friends when he watches the NBA. A little bit.
I love seeing my daughter become an amazing mother. A little bit.
I love the fact that no matter how confused or anxious I feel any given day, God never fails me.
Not even a little bit.

2 weeks of having the title "Grandma". I still just say, "You have got to be kidding me." Grandma. Not yet 40 years old. Something is wrong with this picture. But as I hold this little Bee and kiss her chubby cheeks, and laugh at her silly sounds, and take pictures of her funny faces...everything feels just fine.

(Precious hospital photo- but sooo expensive!)

I was reading in Hosea and got stuck in chapter 11. The author is speaking of the early years of Israel, and how he dealt with them lovingly, as a father with his son. And yet, they turned away from Him. When I read the words in verse 4 I was reminded of God's character. And it made me want to be more like Him (Check out this chapter, it's amazing!)
"I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love. To them I was like one who lifts a little child to the cheek, and I bent down to feed them." Hosea 11:4

("My mama thinks I'm too cold. I'm not...")

As I try to live with the people around me, I am so thankful for the wisdom of God in this world. Even people who do good things without knowing Jesus, only do them because God showed them GOODNESS somewhere in their lives. To lead "with cords of kindness, with ties of love" sometimes feels impossible. Until you look up. 

There are days I want to be bitter. Bitter over lost opportunities and dreams. Bitter from hurts that still sting. I want to kick people in the shins actually. A lot of the time. I think of the hurtful words, the cruel looks, or worse- the silent treatment we have all experienced at some time or another. And then I remember what kind of God we have. And the kind of life He calls us to. 

(Best baby in the world right there!!)

  Hosea 11 goes on to talk about the iniquity of Israel for a minute, bu then it turns right back to the character of God. Here's some bits. Sooo good:
"How can I give you up, Ephraim?
    How can I hand you over, Israel...
My heart is changed within me;
    all my compassion is aroused.
 I will not carry out my fierce anger...
For I am God, and not a man—
    the Holy One among you.
They will follow the Lord;
    he will roar like a lion.
When he roars,
  his children will come trembling from the west. "

^{I want my heart "changed within me". I want to allow my "compassion to be aroused". I want to love those who are unlovable as much as I love this little baby Bee lying next to me. Our God is one who has the RIGHT to be angry because of how rotten we are. And yet, He chooses to call us out and hold us close. Oh, that makes me happy. That makes it possible to love my peeps even better and be kind to those who don't deserve it either.} 

("It's how I roll.")

^{Thank you, Lord- for being the God who will not "give up" on His children. Thank you for showing us your ways and loving us...in spite of us.}  

Scout was a genius.

I have the greatest job in the world, but it has been fairly slow the last few months, so when I work the evening shift, I usually have some down time. Well, I finished "To Kill A Mockingbird" again last night, and have decided that Scout was a brilliant little girl. There were so many great ideas in that novel, and so much history. It was really a fun read.
One particular part struck me- when Scout has to sit in on a "ladies luncheon" with her Aunt, she reflects on how baffling women are. Scout, being raised by a father and a big brother, has no recollection of her mother, and their cook, Calpurnia, doesn't have the airs good, Southern women seemed to possess. So Scout really doesn't have much experience with the formal manners of women. A silent exchange happens between her aunt and her dear neighbor, Miss Maudie, and Scout realizes soon she will need to enter this difficult world of women. Scout realizes she is much more comfortable in her father's world, "People like Mr. Heck Tate did not trap you with innocent questions to make fun of you...Ladies seemed to live in faint horror of men, seeming unwilling to approve wholeheartedly of them. But I liked them. There is something about them, no matter how much they cussed and drank and gambled and chewed; no matter how undelectable they were, there was something about them that I instinctively liked....they weren't-...hypocrites". Here the author blends Scout's thoughts with the surrounding conversation, but I couldn't help hanging on to that concept. I realized that I felt that way a lot of the time- slightly confused at the mannerisms and secret thoughts women around me seem to harbor. No wonder my husband is my very best friend. He is so relaxing to be around (when he isn't mercilessly teasing me), and I can count on him to be honest all the time. I always thought that was just because he was my husband- but is it also because it is the very nature of a man?
I like to be alone, and thought that was one reason I don't hang out with a lot of women anymore- my hobbies also make me more isolated unfortunately, the women in my circle don't seem to like to hang out with thousand pound animals and their manure. But last night I realized some of the reason is it is just EASIER to do my own thing. As a kid you can't wait to become part of the adult world, and as a young woman, I wanted to fight for my spot in "society". Now, I really could care less. Is that terrible? I am not on old lady, so shouldn't I be actively ministering to the women around me, rather than feeling like I would rather be with my horses- they make sense to me all the time, whereas most women make no sense, some women make some sense, and I can think of only three women who make sense to me all the time.

I know I am making big generalizations here, but for the most part- I agree with Scout. I need to work harder on relating to women on their playing field, but it is nice to know I am not the only one who finds the world of women difficult to manuever at times. Women are confusing- myself included!
All that being said, I love being a woman, and all the pleasures that come with it as a wife, mother, sister and friend. I just wish we could all be kinder to one another, and more compassionate sometimes. Get rid of the "game" and LOVE each other.
It is a gift from God that I don't have to be married to a woman- I know, that sounds weird, but you know what I mean. There are some days that I think, "God, why did you invent the marriage relationship?", but others where I see the wisdom of God in designing male and female- so totally different in every way, and so totally perfect to meet each other's needs. I am so lucky that my partner in life is the best man I know. He absolutely fits me perfectly, and blesses me in so many ways. Things have been hard, but I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Being married to a real Christian has all the benefits of being able to trust that when things aren't going right, God will work on both of us until we figure it out, plus all the "man-ness" that I love without all the "yuckiness" that some men exemplify. Steve is the best friend, the best joker, the best lover, and the most honest Christian I know. Scout would have loved him.

"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble." 1Peter 3:8

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” Paul Boese

I have been praying for a friend as she struggles to forgive some huge hurts, and I remember a time when I felt so similar to her. It almost felt like by giving up my right to be hurt, I was agreeing with the offender- that what they did was o.k. This quote reminded me that it was never mine to punish anyways, and the minute I forgave completely and let God decide the outcome- my life colored again and I could see "the forest through the trees" so to speak. My world became so much bigger and better, and the future had so many more options. I am so praying that would happen for my friend. She is afraid that if she forgives, her future is cemented in sadness and pain. I hope God will show her all the doors He will open, if she can obey. Pray with me.

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." Matthew 18:21-35