Roll with it...

Yesterday was a first. Steve made the very wise executive decision that we need to cancel our gym membership. Not my favorite words to hear, but in light of the current job issue, he is right. As usual. So, disappointed girl, but $60 a month for the kids and I to go mess around really could be spent better elsewhere.
Me listening to my husband wasn't the first yesterday. (I know, shocker, right?) The first was now with no treadmill, I had to head to the Greenway to run with no kids...and no dogs. (The rat chihuahua doesn't count as a dog in my book) I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, until I hit the actual trail. I made the first turn and realized I didn't have to keep up with Duke. It brought tears to my eyes to see the gray heron on the other side of the creek, standing perfectly unmolested by Samson. I looked at that big goofy bird for the first time without him taking flight- because there was no monster dog bounding into the water and trying to catch him. The robins stayed about their business within a foot of me, because there was no fuzzy white beast running as fast as he could to chase them back to the air. Not only was I missing my kids, who should have been there as they always have been- riding their trikes, to their "big kid bikes" and now mature enough to keep up on foot- but I literally had two hands free and perfect quiet all around me. And I hated it.

My idea of a perfect run or walk on the greenway is at best my kids yaking away with me, two giant dogs on my left, and an occasion splash into the creek with those crazy dogs- just for fun. Second best is a friend by my side, chatting away for 6 miles. I love tormenting all the boring other walkers with my noisy family- hey if you want to watch birds, get out there earlier. I love to laugh as the cyclists flip me off because Duke is fast enough to beat their pace (no offense, Nancy, I understand why dogs are a nuisance to cyclists, but I still laugh!). He rip roars in front of them when I let him off his leash, then promptly turns sideways and waits, because he knows they will go around- hollering "You are the best, fastest, smartest dog ever!!!" and waving with one finger at his mom. Makes my day!

So yesterday was a first. In the last 15 years, I truly can't remember the last time I took a walk completely on my own. I spent the first two miles literally mourning my loss. What a dork, right? I wish I could know what the other walkers were thinking- fat lady chugging her way down the trail, bright red in the face with tears streaming down. No. Maybe I don't want to know.

But as I fought the urge to throw rocks at the herons and kick at the robins, God gave me a good slap. My TAG girls and I traveled through Philippians this week and I had asked them to write down one verse that struck their heart. Well, as I behaved like a big baby, God brought the verse I wrote down to the very front of my mind: "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." Phil 4:11 (FYI- Pauly was in prison when he said that. Yeah, makes me feel like a big goob for whining.)

We made our choices, I know they were the right ones- so why am I still mourning? Why do I cruise along just fine, and then freak out because of one little thing? (If you are thinking PMS- don't say it) Right answer: because my focus is on comfort and life, not on truth and eternity. Jesus is and always will be the greatest, most fantastic, happiest place for me to be. So stay there, girl. Easy to say, but hard to do. Thank God He loves us enough to whack us every once in awhile.

Needless to say, I spent the rest of my time on the trail LOOKING at the little wild things, indulging in the solitude and quiet, and writing my God Stop down when I got home: "No poop had to be picked up and no dirty paws were washed today". There are blessings to not having over 200 pounds of dog flesh to wash every day, and 70 pounds of that being a double coated, never willing to dry without a commercial blower, hyper active rug of a dog! Will I probably always miss my horses and especially my dogs? Yes. Do I have to remember it sadly or can I enjoy the good times and thank God they are with wonderful families now? I choose the latter. I can see Duke anytime I want, and my in-laws are loving making him a fat, lazy, good for nothing but a hug, lap dog. Samson has a whole slew of kids to kiss him, a mom who thinks he's hilarious and a sweet black lab for a girlfriend. I guarantee you they don't miss me- so I can be so glad for them. We are in a different phase now, with teenagers and city life. And it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Next time I hit the greenway, I am bringing a smile, a great verse to memorize, and maybe even some bread for those ducks...now that they don't fly away as soon as they hear me. :)

The other verse God gave me as I cooled down. Oh, LORD, I am in awe of your incredible love- and your jealous devotion for my heart. Make it completely yours.
"continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." Philippians 2:12b-13

I still believe...

"Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4-5

With illness and sadness that has drained me so fully this week, it is amazing to me that God still has a way up His sleeve to make me smile. I truly haven't been able to find a thing to say this week- good or bad. I know...amazing for motor mouth, Renee. But getting through the "motions" of each day was the best I could do. Then Jo and I came down with these cruddy colds, and I found I couldn't push through anymore. That's when God brought me a smile.

He brought it in the form of a stranger really. You see, we put our dogs up for new homes this week. LONG STORY, and I can't give details just yet without bawling again. So briefly, after 6 months of battles between Steve and I over the pros and cons of having country dogs in a ridiculously small neighborhood with no yard, he finally decided we could not fight about it another day. So this week we gave Samson to a homeschooling family with 5 children and tons of love to share. I knew that it was the right decision, felt that God provided the family, but couldn't control my tears and grief. It seems ridiculous to love your pets so much- but I have literally watched my home, my horses, and now my dogs disappear, and no matter how much I try to keep my focus on the reasons, it still breaks my heart. The only one I get to keep is the rat chihuahua and he is the one I would gladly part with!

But now I want to share with you why I can smile. Check out this excerpt from the email I got this afternoon, as I was wandering around my house feeling sorry for myself and nursing my sick kiddo:
"I wanted to thank you through our Lord Jesus Christ--something I wish I would have known before I had come down--the fact that He is OUR Lord. His ways are not our ways! I had prayed and asked for another dog and to be honest the way He brought Samson was so providential (the strings of His sovereignty). I have a feeling it was more about meeting you, and hopefully someday, your family too. Someday I will go through the story with you Renee--truly God is good--and to see His hands work in even the seemingly small things as a dog is amazing and so full of grace and mercy. May we give Him the glory and praise he is due--if that is possible this side of heaven? May His great name be magnified in my heart, may our love for Him grow and bubble forth in great praise.
This is just a quick email though--I will email pictures soon too. I look forward to many more conversations or emails with you Renee."

Wow! Who talks like that? Not a faker Christian, I can assure you! Oh, I truly jumped for joy when I read that, and haven't stopped grinning. I don't know how she figured out we shared the same Lord, but I am so glad to have found another sister in Christ, and know I can rest assured that she was honest with me about her intentions for Samson, and she will love him and care for him not because she is a PETA lover but because she is a JESUS lover. It gave us all such peace, we have read the email over again and again, relishing the fact that God used the situation to bless both families, them with a wonderful, SWEET dog, and us with the knowledge that even in the tough stuff- God is on His throne and in control. Oh, thank you, Father for that!

Maybe I will actually be able to make it through tomorrow without tears if I can remember my new friend's truthful words: :"Truly God is good-to see His hands work...is AMAZING... May His great name be magnified in my heart, may our love for Him grow and bubble forth in great praise."

A Ridiculous Day.

Today was full of ridiculous moments, and I can't help thinking I am the only one who has them.

I find it ridiculous that I am positively ecstatic and joyful, just because the sun came out for an hour, but I am.

I find it ridiculous that people come to the doctor's office to get medications instilled in their vein, and get angry that you are going to poke them with a needle and don't have t.v. for them to watch while they are waiting. How did you think I was going to get the meds into your vein, and do I look like the front desk clerk at the Hilton?

I find it even more ridiculous that people are PAID WELL to work and be at their jobs, and yet every single day I hear nothing but whining and gripping from some.

I find it ridiculous that flowers can truly make me feel relaxed.

I find it ridiculous that even without the sunshine, I think I would love spring and summer so much because of the delicious berries!







I find it ridiculous that the a fore mentioned berries are so horribly expensive the rest of the year. The lovely bowl of cherries you see would have cost me over $32 at Safeway two months ago, and today I can get them for the wonderfully low price of $8. Wahoo!

I find it ridiculous that my hands don't work right. I must have dropped a dozen things today, including needles, wound dressings, iv tubing, and I even smashed a coworker in the door so hard he thought his arm was broken. Ridiculous.

I could go on and on, but it was just a ridiculous day. And I loved it. I needed a reminder to laugh at myself, and that is what I got. I recieved sad news a few days ago, that the "forever home" I sold one of my horses to has already sold her for a profit. Liars. I know it is their right, but it feels wrong when they tell you a great story to get you to sell the horse to them, and then turn out to be a trader. In some ways I was relieved to have a very clear "no" from God regarding ever getting my sweet baby back. Now that she is gone from my contact, maybe I will stop thinking about her everyday and hoping I might have her again. So it was a good "God Stop" in a lot of ways, but it was also very depressing. Perfect time for a ridiculous day to come. Thank God for weird coworkers, crabby patients, savory fruit, and another day of breathing and living. Hope you have a ridiculous Tuesday.