Happy are...really?

 

 Whirl, whirl, whirl and twirl. Halfway through summer, and I realized it's been just as crazy as the last two- stuffed to the brim; full of mixed up emotions, laughter, tears, sunshine and flowers. I can't imagine how we are already at August and I am just now getting warm after last winter.

I have really felt mopey and wanting to be miserable the last couple months, but I know I shouldn't. So I try to distract myself with:

This:

Or this:



Sometimes this:



This helped a bit:




















And I can always count on this to make me smile when I don't want to:



















But in reality, going through the motions of life while your heart is far from it doesn't really count.
We have always had a motto at our house- "Fake it 'til you feel it". That might sound crass to some, but it's always worked to help adults and kids check our attitudes at the door and live with grace and love for one another. Don't want to do the dishes, "Fake it 'til you feel it". Don't want to share that toy, "Fake it 'til you feel it". Don't want to obey, to listen, to work, to forgive, to try- "Fake it 'til you feel it". And what is so cool- it always worked. Until this summer, when my feelings just won't behave. They won't be happy that my son is graduated and I am no longer responsible for him. They won't be satisfied with the fact that my daughter is moving into an apartment with her husband and raising her daughter instead of racing her horse through the raspberry fields and staying up all night giggling with her girlfriends. My emotions won't be content with what we have, what is and what is coming. My feelings just won't behave.

Then I realized I had taken the most important part of the equation out. We can "Fake it 'til you feel it" all day long, but the real thing that transformed my sassy toddler into an obedient child, or the lazy 10 year old who didn't want to mow the lawn into a wonderful helper- wasn't the act of faking it. It was the transforming work God did in their hearts as they worked to obey Him. All those passages they memorized in school: "Obey your parents in the Lord for this is right...Bear one another's burdens...Forgive one another...He who does not work, does not eat...May your attitude be that of Christ Jesus, a servant..." The list went on and on. As we went through the motions of obedience, we allowed God to work in our spirits to change us, to help us DESIRE His goodness and holiness.

I really haven't wanted to be changed. I kind of liked feeling depressed and moping around the garden. Buying things I didn't need, being rude when I could bite my tongue instead. I wanted to MOURN and GRIEVE and wallow in all that is miserable and ugly.
I know. What a freak.
This last year has been so busy just LIVING. Trying to keep my head above water and hoping to survive, I don't think I let myself process the losses and the goodbyes that happened. Far sooner then I was ready but just when they should have.

So as I dug in my heels, folded my arms and pouted- God kept pushing me to listen, learn, and SHAPE UP.

OF COURSE He would start a sermon series at church with the Beatitudes.

OF COURSE He would have my devotional make me read James and Matthew.

OF COURSE He would send in my dearest friend to pray for me and encourage me when she didn't even know I needed it.

And OF COURSE He would fill my life with the people I love the best, all trying so hard while I refused to comply.
Steve telling me jokes and making me laugh, drowning me in baseball games and loving me so patiently. Always so patiently.
Jordan working hard and taking care of himself in ways that make me see a young man, not a boy who needs a mother.
Spencer committing to his beautiful wife and daughter anew, and taking the high road even when it's the harder one.
Jasmine constantly loving and forgiving and working and teaching....always taking my breath away with the beautiful way she does life.

Drat. How can I hope to stay depressed when there is so much to be happy about? I suppose when we change our focus, it makes room for our feelings to follow suit.

Read with me these again- we have all heard them, but they have meant so much to me the last two weeks. I won't try to ignore them anymore.

Let's change the first word, "Blessed", to what the original language meant. I don't know if when I think of the word "blessed" I translate it "happy", but that is exactly the meaning Jesus and His hearers would have understood.

"Seeing the crowds, He went up on the mountain and sat down, and His disciples came to Him. And He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying:

HAPPY are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
HAPPY are those who MOURN, for they will be COMFORTED.
HAPPY are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
HAPPY are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
HAPPY are those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
HAPPY are the pure in heart, for they will see GOD.
HAPPY are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
HAPPY are those who are persecuted for righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
(Matthew 5:1-10)


Be encouraged today, friend. He isn't done with us yet. And if Jesus could tell us to be HAPPY in THOSE circumstances, the issues we face today aren't outside His reach. My attitude needed a serious adjustment, and I'm glad to say...I'm finally feeling it. ;)

To live a little...

June 2012...not possible. It's raining, it's cold, and I'm not ready to be 6 months into a year that came too fast. We have spent the last month with proms, and graduations, and goodbyes to so many things. I just wanted to stick my head in the sand and pretend it all wasn't happening.

Thinking about Jordan and Jasmine both being seniors next year, I have felt like this summer needed to be the best, most amazing yet...and I had no idea how to make it happen. Then I realized I don't need to "make" it great. It will be great just because we will be together. Sure we have said goodbye to childhood games, friends who have grown up, family that has chosen to move on, school, etc. etc. This next year there won't be any "Danny" running over to hang out or talk about zombies. There won't be as many bike rides to the country store or free days to trail ride with a best friend for hours. Work will take the time of video gaming, and school will mean something entirely different when you know the grades are part of your college transcript. Bur we will also say "Hello!" to new friends, and new experiences, and all new moments where God just blows our socks off.

Yesterday I picked up my phone and saw a text message that completely changed my focus. It was my beautiful young friend in a hospital gown, holding her "moments old" newborn son. I remember that moment so vividly for myself- the first time you hold your "heart" in your arms- you look into the eyes of another person and realize THIS was why it was all worth it. I saw in her smile all this next season is going to bring- the adventure of life and the amazing privilege of sharing God's love and story every chance we get. To hold the hand of a sweet, innocent child who is just figuring it out, or kiss the cheek of an 87 year old dear lady as she prepares to see Jesus face to face. I will spend hours listening to the hurts and successes of my high school girls, and get the opportunity to plan and encourage the young men around me to live courageously. I will fall, and I will watch those around me fall. I will succeed at times too, and rejoice with those around me who win. That's the life I get to live, and it is such a blessing.

King David fascinates me and I have spent the last month just reading his story and his songs. It is shocking yet comforting to remember how badly he screwed up, and yet how much God still loved him and protected him. He lied, he cheated, he womanized, he was a "bad father" at times...and yet, listen to his last recorded words:
"“If my house were not right with God,
    surely he would not have made with me an everlasting covenant,
    arranged and secured in every part;
surely he would not bring to fruition my salvation
    and grant me my every desire." 2 Samuel 23:5


Ahhh...what a comfort it is to know that in spite of where I fall short, Jesus more than makes up the difference. He is my rock, my shield and my redeemer. He is my salvation and my song. And because of that, I can laugh at the days to come, and just LIVE a little. It's going to be great. 

All photos credited to Kalahan Kayla Photography She is amazing!

A Ridiculous Day.

Today was full of ridiculous moments, and I can't help thinking I am the only one who has them.

I find it ridiculous that I am positively ecstatic and joyful, just because the sun came out for an hour, but I am.

I find it ridiculous that people come to the doctor's office to get medications instilled in their vein, and get angry that you are going to poke them with a needle and don't have t.v. for them to watch while they are waiting. How did you think I was going to get the meds into your vein, and do I look like the front desk clerk at the Hilton?

I find it even more ridiculous that people are PAID WELL to work and be at their jobs, and yet every single day I hear nothing but whining and gripping from some.

I find it ridiculous that flowers can truly make me feel relaxed.

I find it ridiculous that even without the sunshine, I think I would love spring and summer so much because of the delicious berries!







I find it ridiculous that the a fore mentioned berries are so horribly expensive the rest of the year. The lovely bowl of cherries you see would have cost me over $32 at Safeway two months ago, and today I can get them for the wonderfully low price of $8. Wahoo!

I find it ridiculous that my hands don't work right. I must have dropped a dozen things today, including needles, wound dressings, iv tubing, and I even smashed a coworker in the door so hard he thought his arm was broken. Ridiculous.

I could go on and on, but it was just a ridiculous day. And I loved it. I needed a reminder to laugh at myself, and that is what I got. I recieved sad news a few days ago, that the "forever home" I sold one of my horses to has already sold her for a profit. Liars. I know it is their right, but it feels wrong when they tell you a great story to get you to sell the horse to them, and then turn out to be a trader. In some ways I was relieved to have a very clear "no" from God regarding ever getting my sweet baby back. Now that she is gone from my contact, maybe I will stop thinking about her everyday and hoping I might have her again. So it was a good "God Stop" in a lot of ways, but it was also very depressing. Perfect time for a ridiculous day to come. Thank God for weird coworkers, crabby patients, savory fruit, and another day of breathing and living. Hope you have a ridiculous Tuesday.

I love the Northwest!

Hurray! I finally found the reason to live in the 'couv! Berries! Strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, marionberries, boysenberries- every berry you can think of thrives here- and are just pleading with me to PICK them! And to EAT them! What a lovely time this morning, going to a berry patch with my good buddy, Karen, and my awesome kiddos- and reveling in the good treats from God. I am going to have to go again next weekend before work, and pick a few more before they are gone for the season. I will take all the congestion and sneezing for these wonderful growing "plants".