So THIS is what I have been missing...

(Best moving crew ever- and they accept their payment in Blind Onion Pizza!)

One week later, and I think I more fully understand why the Lord said "and that is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife.." I have spent this week rearranging my entire house, decorating my bird room, setting up a game room, and realizing that there are benefits to having your children grow up and move away.

(But don't leave the movers alone with the baby!!!)

Now, I have to admit I still spend at least a couple hours a day laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering what to do with my day. But it is a wonderful thing that my darling daughter and her husband's daily dramas and concerns are no longer rolling through my home. It is pretty peaceful to not have the hustle and bustle of newlyweds and babies right in the midst of dinner ever night.

(Bee was a great helper to her mother...sort of.)

I miss the spontaneous conversations and jokes that were part of being a family. I miss hearing my daughter laugh down the hall and walking into a room to my grandbaby's happy smile all the time. But there's so much more to be thankful for. Pushing them to move out all these months couldn't have brought more blessings. Because of family dynamics, Jasmine was never able to entertain her in-laws in our house no matter how much we wanted to, now she has had the opportunity to open up her own home and have Brielle's grandparents and even great-grands over to make wonderful memories. Spencer can come home from work and just relax, not having to share his girls with 3 other adults. I truly am so happy for my kiddos, and thankful for the way the Lord has abundantly met their needs.

(Big brother had to check out the new digs.)

I was talking with a friend the other day and it really helped me put all that has happened into perspective. She inspires me every time we meet, because she challenges me not to just stay comfortable in my little Christian bubble, but to really mean and know why I say the things I say. She's a new Christian, and as we talked about the natural hedonistic character of people, and how hard some days it is to be motivated to DO anything, much less be "joyful" about it; I commented that on the hardest days, I just remind myself that "God loves me, so that is enough". I absolutely loved her response. She said, "I don't mean to be rude, but so what? That doesn't motivate me at all on days when life just feels monotonous."

(I don't think I will ever be able to keep Jo from sneaking into Jazz's room to tell her stories! He started doing that before she could even talk, and obviously, some things never change.)

I love that she won't let me give her a pat little Sunday School answer! She wants to really KNOW why we choose to live and act the way we do. I explained that for me, thinking about God's love makes the day worth living. When I don't want to get out of bed because the tears have been streaming for hours and I can't think of one truly important thing I need to do, or when I am so lonely I can hardly stand it and just want to scream out loud- the knowledge that the Lord and Creator of the Universe specifically loves and cares about me gives me the courage to face the day. With all that He has done, all that God IS...my little issues and bad attitude suddenly become very small.

I think, "Life seriously sucks rotten eggs. There is not one good thing I can feel thankful for right now, Lord. But YOU love me, so there MUST be some reason I am still here. There is some good thing You are going to show me today that will make today, or tomorrow, or this week worth living for." And He has never failed. I get up, I do the routine of living, sometimes I just exist...and He still makes me smile, He shows me how to laugh and why today is a day to be thankful.

(Brielle loved showing Grampy her new home! <3>

I spent the rest of the week just reading through and remembering Psalm 78. Read it with me. It is such a testimony to the unfaithful brats we are, but what a mighty God we serve. With all the hard things we go through, whether because of our own mistakes or those of others, He never forgets us or forsakes us. We just need to pay attention. For today, "God loves me" is absolutely perfect.

(Oh, how I love these people. Lord, show them how to love like you do.)

"...we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power, and the wonders he has done...so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands." Psalm 78:4b-7

(Another thing to be thankful for- more time in the garden! Seeing my passion flowers finally blooming was the only thing that got me to smile some mornings. Praise the Lord for creating things that take our breath away with their uniqueness.)

Happy are...really?

 

 Whirl, whirl, whirl and twirl. Halfway through summer, and I realized it's been just as crazy as the last two- stuffed to the brim; full of mixed up emotions, laughter, tears, sunshine and flowers. I can't imagine how we are already at August and I am just now getting warm after last winter.

I have really felt mopey and wanting to be miserable the last couple months, but I know I shouldn't. So I try to distract myself with:

This:

Or this:



Sometimes this:



This helped a bit:




















And I can always count on this to make me smile when I don't want to:



















But in reality, going through the motions of life while your heart is far from it doesn't really count.
We have always had a motto at our house- "Fake it 'til you feel it". That might sound crass to some, but it's always worked to help adults and kids check our attitudes at the door and live with grace and love for one another. Don't want to do the dishes, "Fake it 'til you feel it". Don't want to share that toy, "Fake it 'til you feel it". Don't want to obey, to listen, to work, to forgive, to try- "Fake it 'til you feel it". And what is so cool- it always worked. Until this summer, when my feelings just won't behave. They won't be happy that my son is graduated and I am no longer responsible for him. They won't be satisfied with the fact that my daughter is moving into an apartment with her husband and raising her daughter instead of racing her horse through the raspberry fields and staying up all night giggling with her girlfriends. My emotions won't be content with what we have, what is and what is coming. My feelings just won't behave.

Then I realized I had taken the most important part of the equation out. We can "Fake it 'til you feel it" all day long, but the real thing that transformed my sassy toddler into an obedient child, or the lazy 10 year old who didn't want to mow the lawn into a wonderful helper- wasn't the act of faking it. It was the transforming work God did in their hearts as they worked to obey Him. All those passages they memorized in school: "Obey your parents in the Lord for this is right...Bear one another's burdens...Forgive one another...He who does not work, does not eat...May your attitude be that of Christ Jesus, a servant..." The list went on and on. As we went through the motions of obedience, we allowed God to work in our spirits to change us, to help us DESIRE His goodness and holiness.

I really haven't wanted to be changed. I kind of liked feeling depressed and moping around the garden. Buying things I didn't need, being rude when I could bite my tongue instead. I wanted to MOURN and GRIEVE and wallow in all that is miserable and ugly.
I know. What a freak.
This last year has been so busy just LIVING. Trying to keep my head above water and hoping to survive, I don't think I let myself process the losses and the goodbyes that happened. Far sooner then I was ready but just when they should have.

So as I dug in my heels, folded my arms and pouted- God kept pushing me to listen, learn, and SHAPE UP.

OF COURSE He would start a sermon series at church with the Beatitudes.

OF COURSE He would have my devotional make me read James and Matthew.

OF COURSE He would send in my dearest friend to pray for me and encourage me when she didn't even know I needed it.

And OF COURSE He would fill my life with the people I love the best, all trying so hard while I refused to comply.
Steve telling me jokes and making me laugh, drowning me in baseball games and loving me so patiently. Always so patiently.
Jordan working hard and taking care of himself in ways that make me see a young man, not a boy who needs a mother.
Spencer committing to his beautiful wife and daughter anew, and taking the high road even when it's the harder one.
Jasmine constantly loving and forgiving and working and teaching....always taking my breath away with the beautiful way she does life.

Drat. How can I hope to stay depressed when there is so much to be happy about? I suppose when we change our focus, it makes room for our feelings to follow suit.

Read with me these again- we have all heard them, but they have meant so much to me the last two weeks. I won't try to ignore them anymore.

Let's change the first word, "Blessed", to what the original language meant. I don't know if when I think of the word "blessed" I translate it "happy", but that is exactly the meaning Jesus and His hearers would have understood.

"Seeing the crowds, He went up on the mountain and sat down, and His disciples came to Him. And He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying:

HAPPY are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
HAPPY are those who MOURN, for they will be COMFORTED.
HAPPY are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
HAPPY are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
HAPPY are those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
HAPPY are the pure in heart, for they will see GOD.
HAPPY are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
HAPPY are those who are persecuted for righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
(Matthew 5:1-10)


Be encouraged today, friend. He isn't done with us yet. And if Jesus could tell us to be HAPPY in THOSE circumstances, the issues we face today aren't outside His reach. My attitude needed a serious adjustment, and I'm glad to say...I'm finally feeling it. ;)

Only in my world....

There is this scene in the movie TWILIGHT where the main characters are talking, and Bella (the chick) says, "This isn't real, stuff like this doesn't happen"- and Edward (the vampire boy that is 100 years old) says, "It does in my world". Yeah, I feel you, man.
Only in the Doan world can you go from talking about moving back to town in September so your son can go to the high school he wants to attend, and two weeks later, have your co-renters be moving out, your husband unemployed, "sicker than a mad cow" sick when you haven't had even a bad cold in 5 years, your children all jumping ship for the week to go to the beach with friends, one of your horses already gone and the last two almost sold- and still be expected to go to work and actually smile and care about the people there. I have decided God has a bigger sense of humor than he does any other emotion. Is that blasphemous?

I am being very melodramatic, so forgive me. I just am still feeling a little shell-shocked, but the more I process everything, the more I know God is so amazingly good.
1. We started our whole "Financial Peace" thing, not having any idea how much we would need to have gotten our finances in order. Specimen A in the "Evidence that God is always watching out for you" case. Now, Steve being out of work won't be nearly as hard because we had already nearly halved our overhead by getting rid of a lot of the fluff.
2. We trusted Jordan to make his decision about school last summer, and now that he has, his timing was perfect because Steve and I were in a much better place with our trust in God to allow Jordan this next stage of growth. God has done more in Steve and my heart in the last two months than I can describe. Specimen B- Steve found out he was getting laid off, and after one conversation, instead of being down and depressed, he was encouraged, and totally had faith that this is part of God's great plan for us. (Who is this man, and how did I get blessed to be his wife?) My amazing husband squared his shoulders, shot off some resumes, and keeps on keeping on.
3. We told Stef that we would be moving in the fall, and a week later she up and finds a place and says she's moving this month. A little taken aback, but no joke- the SAME DAY she tells us this, Steve gets laid off. Specimen C that God is amazing- instead of having to cover the full rent here by ourselves for the next 6 months, God made it evidently clear that he wasn't even going to let that be an option. Without Steve working, we can't even afford this place for another month on our own. We obviously need to be moving sooner rather than later, and couldn't have done it if Stef was not moving first. We couldn't leave her out here by herself.
4. I get so sick last Wednesday that I can hardly walk. Specimen D- God knocks me flat instead of letting me run around freaking out on my two days off about all the stress, trying to make plans, fretting and swearing a lot- God tells me to "be still" and know that He is God, and He has got it under control. Hey, did you know the world keeps on turning even if I am out of commission for a couple of days?
5. We had decided to sell the horses because of the costs and the need to have more time taxi-ing the kids around, and I have literally cried every day just thinking about it. In my mind, I have tried to think of ways Steve might let me keep just Iris, talking myself out of the reasons we agreed on that we needed to wait until the kids are gone to get into horses again, etc etc. Specimen E- Steve loses his job, and suddenly, I couldn't give a rip about having horses, I would just like to be able to put food in front of my children. God totally showed me my priorities before I could start whining to Steve until he gave in, which would have totally disrespected him and caused more trouble in the long run.
"Evidence that God is always watching out for you" case- closed. God is innocent. He is never "against" us, He is never hurtful, and He never gives us more than we can bear.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (This was my verse all last year, but I think I am going to claim it again for 2009- it seems like we are going to need it.)

All being said, the Doan World may be volatile and still in a total uproar, but I know if I keep putting one foot in front of the other, it's all going to be "alright".

Financial Peace...

Quick note: For the first time in 3 years, I got to spend the morning with my dear friend, Kerry, and it was so awesome! To hear about her life, her new house and neighborhood, and her sweet little children- it was the best. We call Kerry and her husband our spiritual parents, because they are the ones whole took the time to come into our pit and pray with us to receive Christ. They helped us through the milk stage, and then sent us on to learn more about God and love Jesus better. And no matter how much time passes, our friendship never changes, and we can always pick up right where we left off. Godly relationships are so awesome!
So I was listening to Dave Ramsey last night, this crazy money guru who tells you horribly sensible ways to get free from debt, materialism, etc. Now, I would rather him tell me how to get rich quick, and to live my life with reckless abandon. Wouldn't that be nicer to listen to? I think so. :)
Seriously, a friend of mine gave me his book and CDs in Arizona, and I started reading it, got totally overwhelmed, and then hid it under my nightstand and envelopes I save and never use. Well, after I got Chloe and Carson to bed last night (Stef and Nickers were on a date- hurray!), I turned on Fox News looking for some good political bashing or at least a bloody, fatal car accident, you know, fodder for nightmares and stress-filled dreams. Anyways, Mr. Annoying and Rude but Horribly Right Ramsey was on, and of course, God finally got my attention. As I listened I got this feeling in my gut, the kind that hurts but not bad, and demands attention but quietly enough if you really wanted to you could ignore it for a bit and it would go away. I contemplated that, and changing the channel to Sponge Bob instead, but as I sat there, I thought of my Jesus, and how He died to set me free. Now- if He wanted me to be free so badly, why would I want to get enslaved and tied up in financial woe, when there is a way out? Why wouldn't I want "financial freedom" like Ramsey talks about- at the small price of "living like no one else now, so you can live like no one else for the rest of your life". It makes so much sense to me, and yet it seems so hard sometimes. You just muddle along, paycheck to paycheck, and pretend that you are being a good steward of what God has entrusted you with. I felt ashamed and sad, but also motivated and hopeful. Can we do it, Lord? Could we really scale so far back, and finally delay gratification- so that we can bring you glory in this area of our lives?
I so want to. So, thank you, Miss Patty, my friend- for giving me those much needed resources that I didn't want. I am ready for them now. Thank you Stef, for getting home late and forcing me to sit quietly and watch t.v. And thank you, Father, for bringing me to a place where my heart is finally ready to truly honor you in all areas. Help me to follow your design- no matter how hard it gets. :)
Now I actually have to get out of bed and start doing it. :)