So THIS is what I have been missing...

(Best moving crew ever- and they accept their payment in Blind Onion Pizza!)

One week later, and I think I more fully understand why the Lord said "and that is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife.." I have spent this week rearranging my entire house, decorating my bird room, setting up a game room, and realizing that there are benefits to having your children grow up and move away.

(But don't leave the movers alone with the baby!!!)

Now, I have to admit I still spend at least a couple hours a day laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering what to do with my day. But it is a wonderful thing that my darling daughter and her husband's daily dramas and concerns are no longer rolling through my home. It is pretty peaceful to not have the hustle and bustle of newlyweds and babies right in the midst of dinner ever night.

(Bee was a great helper to her mother...sort of.)

I miss the spontaneous conversations and jokes that were part of being a family. I miss hearing my daughter laugh down the hall and walking into a room to my grandbaby's happy smile all the time. But there's so much more to be thankful for. Pushing them to move out all these months couldn't have brought more blessings. Because of family dynamics, Jasmine was never able to entertain her in-laws in our house no matter how much we wanted to, now she has had the opportunity to open up her own home and have Brielle's grandparents and even great-grands over to make wonderful memories. Spencer can come home from work and just relax, not having to share his girls with 3 other adults. I truly am so happy for my kiddos, and thankful for the way the Lord has abundantly met their needs.

(Big brother had to check out the new digs.)

I was talking with a friend the other day and it really helped me put all that has happened into perspective. She inspires me every time we meet, because she challenges me not to just stay comfortable in my little Christian bubble, but to really mean and know why I say the things I say. She's a new Christian, and as we talked about the natural hedonistic character of people, and how hard some days it is to be motivated to DO anything, much less be "joyful" about it; I commented that on the hardest days, I just remind myself that "God loves me, so that is enough". I absolutely loved her response. She said, "I don't mean to be rude, but so what? That doesn't motivate me at all on days when life just feels monotonous."

(I don't think I will ever be able to keep Jo from sneaking into Jazz's room to tell her stories! He started doing that before she could even talk, and obviously, some things never change.)

I love that she won't let me give her a pat little Sunday School answer! She wants to really KNOW why we choose to live and act the way we do. I explained that for me, thinking about God's love makes the day worth living. When I don't want to get out of bed because the tears have been streaming for hours and I can't think of one truly important thing I need to do, or when I am so lonely I can hardly stand it and just want to scream out loud- the knowledge that the Lord and Creator of the Universe specifically loves and cares about me gives me the courage to face the day. With all that He has done, all that God IS...my little issues and bad attitude suddenly become very small.

I think, "Life seriously sucks rotten eggs. There is not one good thing I can feel thankful for right now, Lord. But YOU love me, so there MUST be some reason I am still here. There is some good thing You are going to show me today that will make today, or tomorrow, or this week worth living for." And He has never failed. I get up, I do the routine of living, sometimes I just exist...and He still makes me smile, He shows me how to laugh and why today is a day to be thankful.

(Brielle loved showing Grampy her new home! <3>

I spent the rest of the week just reading through and remembering Psalm 78. Read it with me. It is such a testimony to the unfaithful brats we are, but what a mighty God we serve. With all the hard things we go through, whether because of our own mistakes or those of others, He never forgets us or forsakes us. We just need to pay attention. For today, "God loves me" is absolutely perfect.

(Oh, how I love these people. Lord, show them how to love like you do.)

"...we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power, and the wonders he has done...so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands." Psalm 78:4b-7

(Another thing to be thankful for- more time in the garden! Seeing my passion flowers finally blooming was the only thing that got me to smile some mornings. Praise the Lord for creating things that take our breath away with their uniqueness.)

Too fast...

Yesterday reminded me of how quickly life is flying by and how GLAD I am that I get to be a part of it. Life is hard, and sad, and beautiful, and fun, and worth it- all at the same time.
Our little niece, Chloe turns 5 today, and it feels like yesterday and she was just a little newborn. Last month, Jasmine turned thirteen- officially a teenager, and yet I feel like I can remember just a month ago holding her hand as we walking into Family of Christ Preschool with tears in both our eyes. I have had my Jordan for 14 years, and they went SOOO fast- now I realized I have only another 4, and as a friend of mine pointed out- how fast do you think those 4 years are going to fly by?

Thinking about all that we have done, experienced and felt as parents is overwhelming, and we have just had a little TASTE. I am so proud of my kiddos for the way they handle life and disappointments, and I feel exhilarated when I see them overjoyed about the blessings God has given.

This last week, we got bad news- and at first, their frustration and anger was tangible. But so quickly they perked back up, and just went on with their business. We found out that our landlord hasn't paid the mortgage since we have been here- 6 months of rent- and now is being foreclosed on. I watched our whole family struggle with the reality of this mess, and then start trusting God to work a miracle, and knowing no matter what we would be together. That made everything else o.k. It was so cool to hear them say that, to sit next to their beds praying together and feeling the peace that transcends all understanding. They handle stress so much better than I do, I hope I can grow up to be just like them. :)

This year has been yet another crazy one, but really- would I want it any other way? To be blessed enough to have two teenagers who make me laugh every day, accept hugs and kisses every night, and still want to sit on the couch and chat with me- no matter where I live, how much I miss my horses and dogs, or how many hours I have to work- it is all so worth it to be able to call these guys...my family.

Only in my world....

There is this scene in the movie TWILIGHT where the main characters are talking, and Bella (the chick) says, "This isn't real, stuff like this doesn't happen"- and Edward (the vampire boy that is 100 years old) says, "It does in my world". Yeah, I feel you, man.
Only in the Doan world can you go from talking about moving back to town in September so your son can go to the high school he wants to attend, and two weeks later, have your co-renters be moving out, your husband unemployed, "sicker than a mad cow" sick when you haven't had even a bad cold in 5 years, your children all jumping ship for the week to go to the beach with friends, one of your horses already gone and the last two almost sold- and still be expected to go to work and actually smile and care about the people there. I have decided God has a bigger sense of humor than he does any other emotion. Is that blasphemous?

I am being very melodramatic, so forgive me. I just am still feeling a little shell-shocked, but the more I process everything, the more I know God is so amazingly good.
1. We started our whole "Financial Peace" thing, not having any idea how much we would need to have gotten our finances in order. Specimen A in the "Evidence that God is always watching out for you" case. Now, Steve being out of work won't be nearly as hard because we had already nearly halved our overhead by getting rid of a lot of the fluff.
2. We trusted Jordan to make his decision about school last summer, and now that he has, his timing was perfect because Steve and I were in a much better place with our trust in God to allow Jordan this next stage of growth. God has done more in Steve and my heart in the last two months than I can describe. Specimen B- Steve found out he was getting laid off, and after one conversation, instead of being down and depressed, he was encouraged, and totally had faith that this is part of God's great plan for us. (Who is this man, and how did I get blessed to be his wife?) My amazing husband squared his shoulders, shot off some resumes, and keeps on keeping on.
3. We told Stef that we would be moving in the fall, and a week later she up and finds a place and says she's moving this month. A little taken aback, but no joke- the SAME DAY she tells us this, Steve gets laid off. Specimen C that God is amazing- instead of having to cover the full rent here by ourselves for the next 6 months, God made it evidently clear that he wasn't even going to let that be an option. Without Steve working, we can't even afford this place for another month on our own. We obviously need to be moving sooner rather than later, and couldn't have done it if Stef was not moving first. We couldn't leave her out here by herself.
4. I get so sick last Wednesday that I can hardly walk. Specimen D- God knocks me flat instead of letting me run around freaking out on my two days off about all the stress, trying to make plans, fretting and swearing a lot- God tells me to "be still" and know that He is God, and He has got it under control. Hey, did you know the world keeps on turning even if I am out of commission for a couple of days?
5. We had decided to sell the horses because of the costs and the need to have more time taxi-ing the kids around, and I have literally cried every day just thinking about it. In my mind, I have tried to think of ways Steve might let me keep just Iris, talking myself out of the reasons we agreed on that we needed to wait until the kids are gone to get into horses again, etc etc. Specimen E- Steve loses his job, and suddenly, I couldn't give a rip about having horses, I would just like to be able to put food in front of my children. God totally showed me my priorities before I could start whining to Steve until he gave in, which would have totally disrespected him and caused more trouble in the long run.
"Evidence that God is always watching out for you" case- closed. God is innocent. He is never "against" us, He is never hurtful, and He never gives us more than we can bear.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (This was my verse all last year, but I think I am going to claim it again for 2009- it seems like we are going to need it.)

All being said, the Doan World may be volatile and still in a total uproar, but I know if I keep putting one foot in front of the other, it's all going to be "alright".