It's all in the timing.

It's pretty funny how we can be told the same things over and over, but not really hear it. Until the time is right.

I have being feeling bone tired for months. Not so much from lack of sleep, but just a tiredness in my spirit. Granted, its been quite a month. But even that wasn't it. Until this week, I really couldn't explain it to you. But now that I think I have found the reason, it feels AMAZING to know it can be treated.

Back in the fall I started a Bible Study with an old friend (hadn't seen her in years!) and some ladies from her church. It was such a blessing during a time of big transitions. Not being able to lead youth accountability groups, not really having any thing else to encourage study time, this was just what I needed.

Never could I have imagined how perfectly timed it would be. Getting to know these women has been such an encouragement. And then we started a new study this last week. It's by Linda Dillow, called "Calm My Anxious Heart". Timing! I have always been such a worrier. My husband says it's my "favorite hobby". I can worry about why there is more moss in the grass at 2 AM and find nothing wrong with doing it. At 2 in the morning.

Well, in just the first week of the study, God is bringing me His peace. It's awesome to experience. Of course, I had to read the whole book right away because a good thing is too hard to resist. But as I spend the next couple of months going over each chapter in depth with my little group of ladies, I can not WAIT to see what God does in my heart.

In the very first chapter, the author calls us out on what causes our anxious hearts. Lack of contentment. I don't know that I would have gone right to that, but as she cruises us through Philippians 4 and 1 Timothy 6, our worry and anxiety is so often rooted in a lack of contentment, and a lack of TRUST, in what God sees fit to give us.

Dillow tells of a friend she has, who's mother is the picture of contentment. Just the kind of woman that you want to rub shoulders with. Yet, this woman had lived for over 50 years with pygmie tribes in Africa. No running water, air conditioning, healthcare...the most coarse conditions. Her name is Ella, and Dillow's friend came across an old diary entry that Ella had written..and it is worth sharing:

"Ella's Prescription for Contentment"
1. Never allow yourself to complain about anything- not even the weather.
2. Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.
3. Never compare your lot with another's.
4. Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.
5. Never dwell on tomorrow- remember that [tomorrow] is God's, not ours.


                                                                                  (Dillow, Calm My Anxious Heart pg 13)

WOW. I immediately felt shamed...and the next line the author said the same thing. Coming from a woman who spent her entire adult life "slaving" in a sense, for the love of her Lord and His lost people, how can I not see the truth in it? I had forgotten to really mean it when I said, "Thank you, Lord". For everything.

I am walking around today with a smile on my face. For no other reason but God is good, and His ways are good. He has a plan, and a purpose for each one of us. And that is an AWESOME place to be. God bless you, friend. The daphne bushes are blooming, and Jesus lives. May you look into your OWN cup and thank the Lord for what He has done. The wonderful things that overflow our hearts, the fun things that make us laugh, and the hard things that grow us into a people that look more like Jesus.

Maybe someday I'll be able to say what Paul said in Philippians 4:11-13:
  "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

A Little Bit...

("Why, yes...I do know how to whistle.")

I love this sunshine. A little bit.
I love seeing my son laugh with his friends when he watches the NBA. A little bit.
I love seeing my daughter become an amazing mother. A little bit.
I love the fact that no matter how confused or anxious I feel any given day, God never fails me.
Not even a little bit.

2 weeks of having the title "Grandma". I still just say, "You have got to be kidding me." Grandma. Not yet 40 years old. Something is wrong with this picture. But as I hold this little Bee and kiss her chubby cheeks, and laugh at her silly sounds, and take pictures of her funny faces...everything feels just fine.

(Precious hospital photo- but sooo expensive!)

I was reading in Hosea and got stuck in chapter 11. The author is speaking of the early years of Israel, and how he dealt with them lovingly, as a father with his son. And yet, they turned away from Him. When I read the words in verse 4 I was reminded of God's character. And it made me want to be more like Him (Check out this chapter, it's amazing!)
"I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love. To them I was like one who lifts a little child to the cheek, and I bent down to feed them." Hosea 11:4

("My mama thinks I'm too cold. I'm not...")

As I try to live with the people around me, I am so thankful for the wisdom of God in this world. Even people who do good things without knowing Jesus, only do them because God showed them GOODNESS somewhere in their lives. To lead "with cords of kindness, with ties of love" sometimes feels impossible. Until you look up. 

There are days I want to be bitter. Bitter over lost opportunities and dreams. Bitter from hurts that still sting. I want to kick people in the shins actually. A lot of the time. I think of the hurtful words, the cruel looks, or worse- the silent treatment we have all experienced at some time or another. And then I remember what kind of God we have. And the kind of life He calls us to. 

(Best baby in the world right there!!)

  Hosea 11 goes on to talk about the iniquity of Israel for a minute, bu then it turns right back to the character of God. Here's some bits. Sooo good:
"How can I give you up, Ephraim?
    How can I hand you over, Israel...
My heart is changed within me;
    all my compassion is aroused.
 I will not carry out my fierce anger...
For I am God, and not a man—
    the Holy One among you.
They will follow the Lord;
    he will roar like a lion.
When he roars,
  his children will come trembling from the west. "

^{I want my heart "changed within me". I want to allow my "compassion to be aroused". I want to love those who are unlovable as much as I love this little baby Bee lying next to me. Our God is one who has the RIGHT to be angry because of how rotten we are. And yet, He chooses to call us out and hold us close. Oh, that makes me happy. That makes it possible to love my peeps even better and be kind to those who don't deserve it either.} 

("It's how I roll.")

^{Thank you, Lord- for being the God who will not "give up" on His children. Thank you for showing us your ways and loving us...in spite of us.}  

You have GOT to be kidding me...

("My mom feeds me REALLY well...look at that belly!")

I had decided months ago I was going to love my grand baby. No matter what, I would love her and help her the rest of my days.I had made up my mind, and determination would get me through all the difficulties. Little did I know, and totally unprepared I was, for the insane amount of adoration I would feel when I first met her! I just look at her face, and say "You have GOT to be kidding me..." I never could have imagined loving this little person the way I do now. When I look at her, all my irritations fall by the wayside and I just smile. Every single time. My stresses from work and living, frustrations with Spencer, worry for Jasmine, concern about Jordan's future plans...they just literally become nothing when I think about what God did for our family, in spite of all our mistakes. It just dumbfounds me.

I have been blowing up facebook with pictures and status updates, but for those who only read this- God gave us a beautiful little granddaughter last week! See- I'm not biased at all :

Who wouldn't fall in love with this face?

When I think about the insanity of the last year, I keep looking for rest and a "do-over". But as I hold this "darling precious", I can't stop thinking about Jesus. About the way He loves us in spite of us, and the way He makes everything work out so perfectly. Whether we find the answers here, or in eternity...there is nothing I need to fear or be anxious over. The one thing I can do for certain, every time, is praise Him for His grace. The best thing I can do for the people around me is keep my priorities- Love them and encourage them to live a life that seeks to honor Him.

Looking at this new little family, I want to worry and stress about all the things I want for them and can't be sure will happen. I want love and understanding. Compassion and forgiveness for each other, and more than anything- I want their family to be rooted in Christ. And I can't guarantee any of it or do a thing to help it happen. It's their choice and God's design for them.

And then an old hymn comes to my mind...and the worry isn't so overwhelming.
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace."

How much I adore this little girl doesn't matter in light of His glory. (As wonderfully fun as it is!)
How much I care about my husband and children doesn't matter in light of His grace.
At the end of the day,
I can turn my eyes to Jesus...and it makes me smile too.

(Uncle Jo Jo is smitten! She is so precious to him too.)

 

" The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory." Isaiah 60:19

(Here's a link so you can hear a little taste of what this hymn sounds like if you care to indulge.)