It feels like D- Day...and it shouldn't.

Today is the day. Ready or not, my daughter is moving into her first home without me. It shouldn't be so tragic.

(County Fair time!)

I walked around this evening looking at the weeds that haven't been pulled because I have been busy cuddling babies, the clutter that is all over as a result of 5 adults and an infant living in too small of quarters. I stared at my roses that need pruning and the inside of my fridge that will never be cluttered up with too many left overs again. I mulled over all the things I grumbled about over the last year because of my OCD tendencies, and realized how foolish I am.

(Gotta love these guys. Never a dull moment.)

From the minute my daughter got married, we have been pushing her out of the proverbial nest. And here it is, the official moving day...and my mother's heart can barely stand it. I kissed her good night tonight and promptly went to my bathroom to wash the floor with my tears. Never again will I tuck her into bed, kiss her goodnight regularly or be able to run to her aid when I hear her sick or hurting in the middle of the night. Oh, my heart.

 I don't have the words for how good this move is, or how hard. But my Heavenly Father does.

(Could this baby BE any cuter?)

As I have worked overtime for the last 6 months to make ends meet, been distracted with babies and birds and friends and activities, nothing truly could satisfy the longing in my heart. When I was to see 4 patients in a day and ended up with 8, it still wasn't busy enough. When the baby was crying, my girl was tired and the birds were calling for attention, it still wasn't enough.

Nothing has been able to fully bring peace to my heart like the words of David:
"Unless the Lord had given me help,
 I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
 your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
 your consolation brought me joy." Psalm 94:17-19

 The other day, as I was so worried and tired at living, my daughter brought me her Bible and said, "Look at this. I just love this." And she showed me this exact passage. I read it and the peace I was hungry for washed over me.
 Little did my beautiful, amazing grown up little girl know that I have been praying this passage for years.
 Little does she know the way her own personal journey with God blessed me so much that night. Little does she know that God used her desire to share what she was learning to remind her silly Mama that God is on His throne, and He is more than big enough to take care of it all.

(Watching the barrel racers fly around the arena! That's my girls!)

 I hope when you are weary and slipping, you allow God to "console" you with His words. There is truly nothing better.

So I am going to go lay down for a few hours before the dawn comes and I hit the ground running. As I hurry off to see a patient, pick up a U-Haul truck and say good bye to my dear baby girl, I am going to say in my heart, "Thank you, Lord, that when I feel like I am going to fall, your UNFAILING LOVE supported me."

 I am going to picture how tidy my garden will be, how free my evenings will feel, and I am going to imagine how clean and lovely my house will finally be again. There are truly benefits to seeing your children grow up. ;) 

Here's a short link my husband sent me the other day when I was feeling particularly low. No matter what, it is wonderful to remember WHO is working for you. God be with you, friend!

Happy are...really?

 

 Whirl, whirl, whirl and twirl. Halfway through summer, and I realized it's been just as crazy as the last two- stuffed to the brim; full of mixed up emotions, laughter, tears, sunshine and flowers. I can't imagine how we are already at August and I am just now getting warm after last winter.

I have really felt mopey and wanting to be miserable the last couple months, but I know I shouldn't. So I try to distract myself with:

This:

Or this:



Sometimes this:



This helped a bit:




















And I can always count on this to make me smile when I don't want to:



















But in reality, going through the motions of life while your heart is far from it doesn't really count.
We have always had a motto at our house- "Fake it 'til you feel it". That might sound crass to some, but it's always worked to help adults and kids check our attitudes at the door and live with grace and love for one another. Don't want to do the dishes, "Fake it 'til you feel it". Don't want to share that toy, "Fake it 'til you feel it". Don't want to obey, to listen, to work, to forgive, to try- "Fake it 'til you feel it". And what is so cool- it always worked. Until this summer, when my feelings just won't behave. They won't be happy that my son is graduated and I am no longer responsible for him. They won't be satisfied with the fact that my daughter is moving into an apartment with her husband and raising her daughter instead of racing her horse through the raspberry fields and staying up all night giggling with her girlfriends. My emotions won't be content with what we have, what is and what is coming. My feelings just won't behave.

Then I realized I had taken the most important part of the equation out. We can "Fake it 'til you feel it" all day long, but the real thing that transformed my sassy toddler into an obedient child, or the lazy 10 year old who didn't want to mow the lawn into a wonderful helper- wasn't the act of faking it. It was the transforming work God did in their hearts as they worked to obey Him. All those passages they memorized in school: "Obey your parents in the Lord for this is right...Bear one another's burdens...Forgive one another...He who does not work, does not eat...May your attitude be that of Christ Jesus, a servant..." The list went on and on. As we went through the motions of obedience, we allowed God to work in our spirits to change us, to help us DESIRE His goodness and holiness.

I really haven't wanted to be changed. I kind of liked feeling depressed and moping around the garden. Buying things I didn't need, being rude when I could bite my tongue instead. I wanted to MOURN and GRIEVE and wallow in all that is miserable and ugly.
I know. What a freak.
This last year has been so busy just LIVING. Trying to keep my head above water and hoping to survive, I don't think I let myself process the losses and the goodbyes that happened. Far sooner then I was ready but just when they should have.

So as I dug in my heels, folded my arms and pouted- God kept pushing me to listen, learn, and SHAPE UP.

OF COURSE He would start a sermon series at church with the Beatitudes.

OF COURSE He would have my devotional make me read James and Matthew.

OF COURSE He would send in my dearest friend to pray for me and encourage me when she didn't even know I needed it.

And OF COURSE He would fill my life with the people I love the best, all trying so hard while I refused to comply.
Steve telling me jokes and making me laugh, drowning me in baseball games and loving me so patiently. Always so patiently.
Jordan working hard and taking care of himself in ways that make me see a young man, not a boy who needs a mother.
Spencer committing to his beautiful wife and daughter anew, and taking the high road even when it's the harder one.
Jasmine constantly loving and forgiving and working and teaching....always taking my breath away with the beautiful way she does life.

Drat. How can I hope to stay depressed when there is so much to be happy about? I suppose when we change our focus, it makes room for our feelings to follow suit.

Read with me these again- we have all heard them, but they have meant so much to me the last two weeks. I won't try to ignore them anymore.

Let's change the first word, "Blessed", to what the original language meant. I don't know if when I think of the word "blessed" I translate it "happy", but that is exactly the meaning Jesus and His hearers would have understood.

"Seeing the crowds, He went up on the mountain and sat down, and His disciples came to Him. And He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying:

HAPPY are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
HAPPY are those who MOURN, for they will be COMFORTED.
HAPPY are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
HAPPY are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
HAPPY are those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
HAPPY are the pure in heart, for they will see GOD.
HAPPY are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
HAPPY are those who are persecuted for righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
(Matthew 5:1-10)


Be encouraged today, friend. He isn't done with us yet. And if Jesus could tell us to be HAPPY in THOSE circumstances, the issues we face today aren't outside His reach. My attitude needed a serious adjustment, and I'm glad to say...I'm finally feeling it. ;)

A portion that is just enough.

(All Jo wanted to do for his birthday was shoot hoops and be together. Love my guy.)

So much living we have been doing! The last few weeks have been full of birthdays, graduations, music festivals, baby milestones, gardening and new pets. Too much to caption, but great living that should be remembered- no matter how hard it is in the moment.

(This face is totally irresistible.)

God just keeps reminding me that HE is enough and His timing is perfect. This quote fills my ears:
 "Are we going to judge God by the circumstances we don't understand, or judge the circumstances in light of the character of God?" - Linda Dillow

 It feels so strange to have spent years with my children all around me, and now to have them need so little. They still ask the questions, appreciate the heart to hearts, and accept the afternoon snacks if I make them. But they don't NEED them anymore, and it is good, and healthy... but strange. Are they making all the "right" decisions? I doubt it. Are they secure in their future goals? Not really. But ultimately, that's their story to write. And God is enough. And His timing is perfect for them too. As I pray for their lives and their choices, I find more and more I am just praying for God to teach them that. They are such amazing people, I know God is doing a good work in them.

Almost finished with the study we have been doing from Linda Dillow, Calm My Anxious Heart, and last week's lesson just HAD to become a word study on "Time". I couldn't resist. So many passages, too many to recount. But it just drove the point home, God's timing is perfect and His ways are good. The book shared a letter from Andrew Murray to someone seeking his advice, and oh! You have to hear it:

(I choose to say:)
"I am here- By God's appointment, in His keeping, under His training, for His time."

How true is that?? No matter how strange it is to be an empty nester so suddenly, no matter how hard or easy things can be, no matter WHAT- God's put me here, in this circumstance, at this time, with His help.

(First zoo trip! Bee loved it and actually looked at the cheetah and the otters!)

I hope you find encouragement in that fact too, friend. Nothing looks as daunting when we look at it through the lens of eternity.

Hope this spring has filled your heart with new beginnings. Summer- here we come!

"Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure." Psalm 16:5

(Just had to share the epic fun time we had at the ColorMeRad 5K. TRY IT!)