Monday, January 19, 2009
Wow. I am still amazed at how easily God cuts through my pretenses, my ridiculous notions, my bitter, hurt feelings- and brings truth, and light, and LIFE back in to my world. Wow.
I have been in a bit of a funk, not wanting to blog due to the fact that it would be too easy to let my fingers do the walking, without thinking of the hurt the lack of "filter" would cause. I have always needed a bigger filter between my brain and my mouth, and I would say the same is true of the filter between my brain and my fingers. Drat this modern technology, even there you can't get away from my opinionated, "advicitis". At least you have the option not to read, whereas with my mouth, I have been know to speak so loudly and in rapid succession, the state of Texas can hear my thoughts.
This last week I have felt betrayed and hurt, frustrated at my own inadequacies, and pretty much just sick of the struggle in general, the struggle to live a life worthy of the name I claim, a life that makes a difference in this place. There are so many hurting people, and so few willing and able to help, it is overwhelming. And the way we treat each other is so horrible, the mean- spirited hurtfulness, the gossip, the grudges we love instead of the forgiveness and reconciliation we should run towards. Not to mention- why do other women seem so much more capable at trusting God's plan, and not getting hung up in the troubles of others?
I have just been letting despair have it's way with me, and this morning was no different. I walked around all morning surveying the damage the windstorm here in the Gorge is wrecking on our property- a total of 3 huge trees have been blow down, about 6 large limbs, and small branches and debris everywhere. No, EVERYWHERE. I finished my moping and lamenting outside, and turned myself to the inside- logging on to Facebook to check up on my daughter. You see, I have this amazingly bright, funny, beautiful, computer savvy 12 year old daughter who has been begging to be allowed to join facebook or myspace so she can connect with the cyber world. Well, as we all now know "Myspace is the new booty call", and facebook has a few more safety devices, I finally broke down and let her make one this last weekend- not sure why. Mostly I want her to feel trusted, and not to keep a count of what she ISN'T allowed, and rather what she is. So, Facebook seemed more realistic than letting her drive my car.
Anyways, I went on to see what she has been up to- and low and behold, I spent the next hour looking at old photos she has uploaded, reading her heart- felt captions, and being totally stunned at what a fantastic kid God has given me, in spite of my failings. Without even knowing it, Jasmine gave me exactly what I needed- some perspective. Instead of being wrapped up in all the things that are wrong right now, her pictures reminded me not only of all the things that are RIGHT, but that time and memories are so fickle and all things have a season...this too shall pass. To realize that precious baby that I dearly protected and loved; that little girl that was in crisis in my womb, with the cord around her neck twice; that darling child God protected by waking me up at 4:15 am thinking it might be bad Taco Bell, PUSHING me to hurry to the hospital even though my due date had not yet arrived, and in an emergency birth with no doctor present- that amazing person who arrived in my arms at 5:01 am; my Jasmine has grown in to an intelligent young lady so fast, and I feel like it was a blink. That is perspective. This child that I live in breathe for, taught me a lesson today and she wasn't even awake yet. She reminded me that God is God, and He is still on His throne, whether I think things are going well or not. That my King allows the good and the bad, so I might trust Him more, and love Him better.
If I didn't put so much stock in the things of this world, and the feelings of this short life, I truly don't think despair would settle so easily. As an American, I have been programmed to believe the world revolves around me, and my feelings are so much more important than anything else that might be taking place- oh, there's a war in the Middle East, eh, my toast burning is much more crucial. Starving children in Africa, bleh- I am too sad about breaking a nail to eat. People in Slovenia who have never heard the name Jesus- that isn't nearly as important as my personal need to feel satisfied in life. How disgusting are we to forget what a huge world we live in- and how MUCH we have to be thankful for? Whether I feel like it or not- I should be standing on my roof, shouting God's praises- even if there are tears of sadness in my eyes at the same moment. Oh, God is so loving and good, why do I ever doubt it? Why do I see the ugly, and think in my heart that God has abandoned us? Why can't I remember that he "disciplines those He loves", that He "instructs sinners in His ways", that He has made a "narrow gate" for us to walk through, and just because it isn't easy, doesn't mean it isn't worth it! Ahhh, thank you God, for the slap in the face. I am so sorry for being a whiner, and forgetting your nature- that you are refining us, and though it hurts, and it's hard- I want to be beautiful in your sight, so whack and mold, shave and heat away whatever parts of me are not like Jesus, and help me to be patient through the process.
I had determined to cut all outside ties this week, tired of the falseness of friends, the hard work of relationships. Trying to stay connected to people over this last year has been tough, mostly because it hurts too much to be involved in lives and know that they don't want to do anything to change it. I have alternated between giving up, and giving in- giving up fighting for the relationships, or giving in on my convictions so that I would make others happy. After "listening" to my daughter, I realized that not only for God's glory, but SHE deserves better from me. If nothing else, I can pass on to her a legacy of love, and hope, and perseverance. I do know what I believe, and what is worth fighting for, even if I sometimes let my stupid feelings get the better of me. To know God, is to know hope- even if we forget it sometimes. :) Each day is fresh, with a chance to shine for all that is lovely and good, and to hope for an eternity where sisters are always sisters, love and happiness are in an abundance rather than an thinly spread, and Jesus Christ is SEEN and HEARD every minute. Hallelujah!
"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:2-5